Its been awhile.....

I havent written in awhile..... Healing is a 24/7 job.  I keep hearing that it gets better, id like to know when.  So many things can set off a breakdown, even a simple little lady bug that you brush off your shoulder thinking its a mosquito.  Hours of tears and shaking because you think "did I just push my son away?  Did he send that to me and now thinks I dont care???"  This is the insanity of grief.  I dont have the comfort of  screwing up and then being able to call him and apologize.  My heart hurts so bad at times I cant breath.  The Fourth of July was so hard.  Mick loved fireworks, he was a bit of a pyro, lol.  Seeing the explosions in the sky I thought "wow he has the best view from up there, I bet he is so excited"  His girlfriend Angel was here visiting from Abq, she is a sweetheart and it means everything to me that this young girl spent her own money just to come out to Ca to visit a family she doesnt even know.... And you know why?  Because my son meant something to her....  I dont care if they were only together for a short time she loves him, I can see it in her eyes.  She was Micks Angel and now he is hers.  I have heard from other grieving mothers how their sons girlfriends of a year or more have moved on after a few weeks and it hurts them as it would hurt me.  I want and hope Angel meets a wonderful man that will treat her with love and respect.  That is my wish for her. 

I try so hard everyday to make it a good day.  To smile not cry when I think of him, to look at his pictures and think of how handsome and sweet he is and not picture what happened to him.  My beautiful, beautiful son who was crushed and thrown around like a rag doll.  I want to look into his eyes and see that gleam, that sparkle they had.  Sometimes all I can do is think of how hurt he was.  Those were my eyes, that was my hair and lips everything about him was mine!  I made him, how could this happen.  If he had to die, if this was Gods plan like  i keep hearing then why couldnt it of been while he was sleeping?  Why did it have to be so bad that I could never look at him again???  Why?? What did I do so wrong that I am punished to never see my sons face again?  Maybe we could of had an open casket and I could of kissed him on the cheek, his beautiful cheek!  I could of held his hand and touched his hair.  Why did it have to be so violent?  I dont understand.   Why hasnt anyone said they are sorry?  Do they think "oh ya I killed a guy, I guess since I didnt mean too I dont need to say sorry."  YES they do!  I need an "Im sorry I killed your son!" asshole!  But I know as everyday comes and goes that I will never get one.  Not one out of 5 people can or will say it. When I bump someone at the store or I get in the way of someone  Im suppose to say Im sorry, why dont they think they have too?  I just dont understand. 

Some days are good and some days are bad.   Some are mixed and some are just sad. 

I am in constant thought of my son, when we celebrate there is always something missing,  My Ray just has this look in his eyes that a piece of him is gone.  I hear so often now how much him and I look alike and how the never noticed before and I think "ya I know, it cause we both lost the same piece of our heart so we are sorta twins now" 

In June Ray got engaged and it was beautiful.  He proposed in New York while standing on a pier.  A total stranger saw him and took pictures.  I know why...  That was all Mick, call me crazy but I know.  Dont want to believe? I dont care.  What total stranger looks at a couple and says "hmmm Im gona take a picture of them"  That was Mick capturing the moment forever for them, for us and for himself.  It is a beautiful picture and I cherish it.  I thanked the woman who took it and asked why and she just said "something told her to do it."  <3 

This year has been so good and such a nightmare all in one.  I just had my first bday without him and Rays first bday without him.  Now the holidays are ahead and I dread them.  But I also need them.  I need to get past all these firsts, I need to create new traditions and Mick will be a part of them, not as a memorial but as he is still with us and will be apart of it because he will be there.  There will be alot of tears and a lot of laughter, a lot of old memories and new memories made.  I try to think of his one year angelversary, what will I do?  Id like to sleep through the day and wake up on Jan 2nd, just pretend that this day doesnt exist.  It has been almost 9 months since Mick was killed, 9 months.  i cant believe it. 

Some days I feel so normal for a minuet and then i get a rush, like I got punched in the stomach and I remember he is gone and I will never hold him again.  It hurts more than the day I was told he had died.  That day I was slapped with shock and disbelief.  I am not in shock anymore, everything is crystal clear and it hurts.  It hurts, it makes you sick and confused and angry.  I cant concentrate on things, I forget things, I am in a daze at times.  I hate it.  The old me is gone and I miss her....

First's

February 1st came quickly, a month had gone by since my Mick was taken from me.  It was such a hard day.  Everything is so different now, I have a year of "firsts" ahead of me.  So many tell me how "strong" I am, how I am handling this so well.  Im really not.  I miss my son and I miss my boys being together.  That was so important to me, my boys being together.  I look at Micks Urn and I struggle with the fact that he is in there.  Its so unreal and un natural.  I breakdown many times everyday and have angry moments.  I want to talk about my Mick and hear him talked about.  One of the biggest fears a grieving mother has is that her child will be forgotten.  I will not allow Mick to be forgotten.  I will do everything in my power to make sure that never happens.  Valentines was a hard day, I love my husband and wanted us to have a good day together which we did.  I gave Katrina, Ray, Brianne and Shannan a gift and I got Mick fresh roses and a balloon.  The day went well.  Before we knew it February was over and March 1st was here.  The 1st of the month is so hard, I dread it.  I am a wreck the day before and he day after.  We went to Chris' company party on the 27th.  It was the first "party" we had been to since his death.  It was fun, we danced and drank a little to much. I should say I did anyways.  But it felt good to let loose a little.  But the next morning i got the worst rush of guilt and pain.  How could I of had fun?  My Mick was gone and Im partying?  It was horrible.  I was so depressed and hurt.  I regretted going at all.  Chris helped me get through that pain and move forward. I didnt want to go out much after that though.  I like the comfort of home or being close to home.   

March was especially hard because I knew his birthday was in 20 days.  His big 20th birthday that he so looked forward too.  I wanted to make it a special day for Ray and Katrina.  A day of celebrating him and remembering him.  We were planning on going to the beach again and having lunch.  It rained from the moment we woke up that day.  But that wasnt how Mick birthday officially started.  We were up at midnight, i was waiting so I could light his birthday candle.  At the stroke of midnight (no joke) we heard a huge crash outside our house.  The guy who lived at the end of our street was having a party and decided to take a spin on his dirt bike.  He was drunk.  He sped down our block at a high rate of speed and crashed into Micks truck!  Chris had been standing outside at the time and saw the whole thing.  He went head first into the side of Micks truck.  We all ran out and I kept thinking, "really?  this is really happening?"  My husband told me to stay on the porch and he and my mother in law ran to see what happened.  The guy skid about 75 feet and was very injured and trying to get up.  His bike was under Micks truck and the party was running up the street at us.  It was a nightmare.  We called an ambulance and tried to keep the chaos down to a minimum.  Our neighbors came out to help and after everything died down and the guy was on his way to the hospital we went back inside.  I was drained emotionally and couldnt believe this was the beginning of Micks birthday.  The guy is alive and is in rehab.  He was very lucky.  I kept thinking that night "why?, why?"  It was not how I wanted my sons birthday to start.  We went to bed and woke up to the rain outside and knew we werent going to the beach.  We stayed home and Micks friends Luis and Lacy came over.  We watched movies, remembered Mick and had pizza.  Chris and I went to the store to get a cake for Mick, we walked in the bakery and the first cake we saw was a lady bug cake!!!  I was so happy, I knew it was my Mick letting me know he was with us.  We sang Happy Birthday to Mick and I let Katrina blow out the candles.  I gave everyone a little turtle as a gift.  Mick loved turtles.  I gave Ray a cool necklace and had "Ray and Mick" engraved on the front and "Best friends and Brothers forever" on the back.  Ray really liked it.  I was so happy!  The rest of the night was quiet and relaxing.  I made it through the day... 

April 1st came and was again a sad day for me.  I hate the 1st of the month. I was going to be going to Albuquerque in a few weeks for a friends birthday.  I was so anxious and scared.  i dont want to be there and I didnt want to leave my family.  I needed to go, it was an important birthday for an important person.  Plus I had to fly.  I hate to fly especially alone.  I got to the airport and my flight was delayed of course.  The anxiety was setting in.  Once on the plane I was ok, a little anxious but ok.  I wasnt as afraid as I thought I would be.  I arrived and hoped the weekend would go quickly.  It didnt.  It was a nightmare being back where he was killed.  It was great to see friends, but I wanted to go home.  While at my parents house I stayed in the guest room.  Every night I would sleep with tv on and every morning i awoke to it being turned off.  I asked my dad if he was turning it off and he said no.  There was no program on it for a scheduled shut down either.  This was a tv that u had to manually turn off by hand.  Very old school.  I still dont know who was turning it off.  Could of been my grandma Charlie who passed away in that room or Mick.  Or I dont know.  All i know is every  morning it was off.  Still puzzles me!

 Finally it was time to go home.  I got to the airport and wasnt scared to fly home, I was excited.  i couldnt wait to see Chris, Ray, Katrina and Brianne.  Ray was picking me up from the airport too!   And for the first time ever flying I watch the plane take off, I looked out the window and watched the clouds and watched as we landed and never was scared.  I thought to myself, I am not afraid of dieing because If I was to die on this plane I will see Mick again and if I survived I get to be back home with those I love. 

Everyday is a struggle, everyday is sad, everyday comes with dark thoughts and feelings.  But everyday I feel the love from my family and friends and everyday I feel Mick around me.  Everyday I keep going and wishing I could change things but knowing that I cant.

Mick's Life Celebration

On Jan 22nd we had Micks Life Celebration at the beach.  It was a beautiful day, we camped there at the beach and got up at 6am that morning.   Katrina, Chris and I walked down to watch the sun come up.  It was so beautiful, so peaceful.  Katrina ran in circles and was so excited to be there.  We needed to walk over to our spot to set up for Micks day.  I really felt like we were setting up for his birthday party.  We found a great spot, no one around and a perfect view of the ocean.  I have always loved the ocean and had many nice days at the ocean with my boys in California and Florida.  I feel so at peace there, so relaxing.  I began to set up, our friends Vivian and Ron camped with us and were helping to set up.  We put up a nice table and put Mick and all his pictures around and lots of fresh flowers and his artwork and art work his friend made him.  I made a few cd's with songs that he liked and some that made me think of him.  Katrina played in the sand and flew a kite.  We had bloody mary's and tried to relax while we waited for the celebration to begin.  Mick's girlfriend Angel, his cousin Gilbert and step brother Shea came out from Albuquerque.  I was excited to meet Angel, she meant allot to Mick.  As people began to arrive, i began to see how loved my Mick was.  So many came!  Its funny in these times.  People you think will come dont and those you didnt expect in a million years do.  So many friends Mick had and all were so devastated, so devastated.....  I felt so bad seeing these hard looking young men with tears in their eyes.  Telling me how my son inspired them, made them laugh and now made them cry.  Pretty young girls, crying and laughing at his baby pictures.  For a long time that day I stayed in the back watching, seeing who was there and how they were reacting.  I couldnt believe how many of his friends came...  People think that the younger generation has no feeling, that they dont care.  They do, they loved my son!!  I asked for his friends to bring a guitar and they did, one brought his bongo drums.  It was so neat.  Mick would of loved this...  I passes out little blocks of wood to everyone and a marker.  The idea was to write a message to Mick and then at sunset we would toss them into the bonfire so all the messages could be sent to him.  Mick friend Beverly had asked me to let her sing a song for Mick, I was so thrilled!  She said he would always tell her to sing so now she was going to just for him.  Before her song i wrote a letter to read to everyone I would like for you all to hear it too.

 For those of you that don’t know me I am Mick’s mom Sabrina.  On behalf of Mick, myself, my husband Chris and our son Ray and daughter Katrina we thank you so much for coming today.   It means so much to us to see how loved our Mick was by all of you. 

I wanted to tell you a little about my life with Mick.  He was a beautiful and easy going baby.  Never fussed much and always was smiling.  His legal name is Anthony Michael but while I was pregnant with him his brother Ray kept saying I had Mickey Mouse in my belly.  So 5 minuets after Mick was born and I held him for the first time I looked at him and said we will call him Mick.  So in a way his brother named him.  Ray and Mick were inseparable, best friends from the beginning.  They did nothing without each other and everyone knew if you invite one to do something his brother was coming too.  They loved each other very much.  If they fought I would ground them until they hugged and said I love you.  They would be so mad at each other and then be cracking up laughing 5 seconds later.  Ray, Mick and I were a great team and it was just the three of us for many, many years.  My boys were my best friends and whatever they liked I liked, from Teenage Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers to WWF Wrestling.  We would go camping, drive in movies or just a walk to the park.  Then when they were about 12 and 13 I met my wonderful husband Chris.  He changed our lives forever and we very easily became a family.  Then with the addition of Katrina we were complete.  We don’t call each other step dad, mom or step brother or sister.  Our love as a family was strong and we see each other as the real thing. 

  Something you might not know is that when Mick was about 5 years old he wanted to be a priest.  He really liked his catechism classes and thought it would be neat to be one.  Then he found out you can’t date or get married, so he said ok I will be a cop then.  He told me once that he could never find a girl like me so he could he just marry me?  That made me so happy, I will never forget that conversation.  I told him he would find love one day and she will be amazing.  He then told me that he would have 5 daughters so that I could take care of them.  When he was about 10 he use to say that he would be rich one day and would buy a big house for me, his wife and 5 daughters.  He then would joke that Ray could live in a box in the front yard.  Mick slept with me until he was 14.  Even if he had friends sleeping over he still ended up in my bed.  He didn’t care, he loved his mom and that’s all that mattered.   After I married Chris we would wake up sometimes and find Mick on the floor next to our bed.  It was very cute. 

Mick had a beautiful giggle, amazing smile, unique personality and was one heck of a dancer.  He performed in many musicals, including Chicago, Guys and Dolls and a remake of Michael Jacksons “Thriller”.  He was never shy and always was ready to put on a show.  His first time dancing in front of a crowd, I worried that he would be scared.  But of course he proved me wrong, he came running out and slid on his knees to the front of the stage and yelled “Hi Mom!”  The whole auditorium laughed.  I loved it!  Mick was also an amazing skateboarder, artist and was very poetic.    His talents were endless. 

Mick cared a lot about the people around him.  He acted tough, but he worried about people.  Many times he would come to me with a problem one of his friends had asking me what to do.  How to help a girl who was pregnant and didn’t know how to tell her parents.   A friend who expressed thoughts of suicide and needed help.   He was a caring, sweet young man that carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.  He always worried about me too.  If I didn’t answer my phone or came home late with out calling he would be so mad and waiting by the door.  I joked once and pretended to smoke a cigarette, Mick saw me and wouldn’t talk to me for 2 hours!   I then was lectured on how it wasn’t funny to him.

One of the last conversations I had with Mick was about his birthday in March.  He would be 20 on the 20^th.  He told me he wanted to have a big party and have all his family together.  I agreed and said if that’s what you want then we will do it!  He was very excited.  On January 8^th he had his whole family together in Albuquerque and now we have all his friends together here in California.  This is as big of a party that we could imagine giving him.  I want to celebrate my Mick and would love everyone to meet each other and talk about how Mick made an impact on their life.  Send good thoughts out and help the people involved in his death heal and know that we have no ill feelings towards them.  I know they are hurting too. 

My Mick was such a beautiful person inside and out.   He melted my heart with every smile and his voice was music to my ears and all the songs chosen to be played today have a special meaning or memory of our Mick.  I don’t know how life will be without him but I know he is all around me and always will be.  

I read my letter to everyone and loved hearing the giggles.   After I finished Beverly and a friend came up by Mick and sang "The Reason" from Hoobastank.  That was my song to my boys.  When i divorced their dad it hurt them so much but I did it for them, to give them a better life and see who i really was and who I wanted them to be.  It was so beautiful that she picked that song.  I was so happy that she did this for Mick.  It was beautiful.  

 During her song a lady bug landed on my nephew Gilberts cheek, so Ray got it and brought it to Chris and then to Katrina and finally to me.  I tried to give it back to Katrina but the lady bug would not leave me.  She kept coming back to me.  It was amazing, she sat on me for about 40mins before I put her on Mick flowers.  I didnt want her to get hurt.  I feel that Mick was the lady bug, he was with us and was comforting me, helping me through the evening.  Keeping me strong.  Ladybugs represent my love for Mick.  When I see a ladybug, I know my Mick is around. 

After Beverly sang I asked everyone to please toss their block in the fire and think of Mick.  I asked for everyone to meet someone they dont know and talk about Mick, share stories with each other.  It was a beautiful sunset that night all for my Mick.  I began to walk around and pass out the skateboards that were made for his celebration.  Mick and Rays friends came over a few nights beofore the celebration and made 300 mini boards.  Each board had a saying he would say or Micks name on it.  It was a perfect gift to remember him by.  I cant say enough how wonderful Micks friends are.  They are amazing.  When I walked around and talked to his friends they were so sad and caring towards me.  Ill never forget these 2 girls who showed up late and I walked up to say hi and give them a board.  I said Hi Im Mick mom and they both gasped and burst into tears.  They were so upset and gave me the biggest hugs.  They couldnt even talk to me.  I told them to smile and remember him and not to be so sad.  They agreed and walked away.  One boy came up to me and said Mick was a big inspiration to him, that every time he got down on himself Mick would cheer him up.  He hugged me and told me how awesome my sons were and that Mick is greatly missed and they would watch over Ray.  Another friend of his was crying so hard he was shaking, this guy looked so hard but was so soft.  He told me he loved Mick and that Micks death made him realize he wasnt indestructible and that he needed to shape his life up.  I said good, thats what I want to hear.  The rest of the night was peaceful, i am still to this day shocked at the turnout and the love, so much love for Mick.   So much love for Ray....  I listened to his friends play guitars and drums and sing.  It was beautiful.  I am so grateful to everyone that made it that night.  I know Mick was with us and was smiling.  We camped that night too, Chris and I were so tired and we went to bed around midnight.  I had not dreamed of Mick once since he died.  I woke up at 3:38 that morning (this is the time I think Mick passed away at)  I seem to awake at that time allot.  I went right back to sleep and was missing him so much.  I was visited by Mick that morning.  I had a dream that we were having a party for Mick and that we rented a big hall for the party.  When we got there Chris, Ray, Kat and I we walked in and the whole place was set up with couches!  We were told to sit at the front on a couch that only fit the four of us, I said "where is Mick suppose to sit, its his party!!!!"  I was very upset and then Mick tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around and he was smiling at me and was so calm and peaceful and he said "its ok mom, Im ok mom, dont worry, ok?  Im ok, dont worry about me" and then i woke up.  It was so real, he was so real!!!  He was beautiful and so calm.  He looked at me with his soft eyes and I felt he was worried about me.  I have not dreamed of him since and I so badly want to!!!  

The next morning we woke up and went to the ocean one more time and then headed home.  Ron and Vivian came over to help clean the camper and Vivian found a lady bug in the camper.  I was so happy and that really kicked in my lady bug obsession!  So many lady bugs all around me, real and not real.  I know its my baby boy saying hello.  I miss you Mick 

Going back to work

Time to go back to work.  My son died but life is still happening.  No one told the world to stop so that I could heal.  Being at home was getting me no where.  i am a person who needs normalcy, I need to be somewhat organized.  i knew the longer i stayed out, the more hiding in my home would become my normalcy. I could of stayed out longer, I could have hid in my house and not gone on.  No I couldnt!  That wouldnt be good for me or my family.  I am a recrutier for a national company.  I have to represent my company and seek out and interview candidates to hire into managment positions.  In other words I have to be peppy, smile and look my best and pay attension.  Hmmmmmm how the heck do i do that when my heart is broken and I have been crying for 2 weeks straight?  My boss asked me if i wanted her to let my co workers know what happened.  I said yes, i didnt want to come back and be asked how my vacation was or where have i been.  I told her if they know before I come back they can think about how they will approach me or how they will avoid me.  Its true because some have avoided me to this day.  But thats ok i get it, its hard and uncomfortable.  But on the other hand I have made new friends, people who I never spoke to before gave me condolences and i learned of pain they have endoured and now we are friends.  I also have wanted to punch peoples lights out for being ridiculous.  I actually was told my second day back " I know how you feel, I recently lost my dog and it is so painful"  WTF!  Are you seriously comparing the loss of my son to the loss of your DOG?  I didnt say a word, I smiled and walked away.  Closed my office door and laughed and cried and laughed again as to what an imbisol that person is!  I had to avoid this person for a long time because everytime i saw them they wanted to talk about their dead dog.  She has stopped and i can speak to her now but i am careful when i do.  Working was very hard, during interviews I would day dream of my son and not listen to what they were saying.  I was forgetting things and was so unorganized.  I cried constanltly, thank goodness i can shut my office door.  i have a picture of my sons on my desk and I stare at it and cry and then I take a breath and keep going.   I became obbsessed with books on the afterlife and comunication with the afterlife.  Anything i could read that let me know my son was ok and was around i read.  But i only read half of it.  If I didnt feel instant relief I went on to another one.  i was like a drug addict need a stronger drug everytime except it was books and websites not drugs.  I did find comfort with The Facebook page The Compationate Friends.  I have made many new friends with grieving mothers like myself and its a sad club that we belong to but it helps.  I had another visit from Mick at work, this one of many really knocked me out of my chair (literally)  I went to a ADC site and was going to read about people who have had signs from their loved ones.  The first story I went to was dated 1/1/11 (the day Mick was killed)  I opened it to read.  (First I should let you know that one of my biggest fears since Mick was killed was if he felt anything, did he suffer?  Did he know what was happening.  I was so afraid that he suffered and was in pain. It was so hard to think about him suffering.)  Well the first story I looked at was from a woman who lost her husband in a car accident.  Her husbands name was "Mick"...  (That is what made me fall out of my chair!)  Then she said she had been so worried that her husband suffered in his accident.  She worried of this like I did about my Mick.  Her husband came to her in a dream and told her he felt about half a second of pain and then he felt a calmness come over him,  he told her he was ok and not to worry.  He answered the question i wanted answered by Mick, his name was Mick and she wrote this on the day Mick died.  That was enough for me, I knew Mick was tellling me what i wanted to know.  i know he was.  i was so happy and relieved.  It was short lived but boy it felt great!  It was some relief for me i can say that.  I have had many visits from Mick at work.    Another was while I was on lunch I was making a song list for his life celebration.  I kept hearing the song Tears from heaven by Eric Clapton.  I heard that song almost everyday since Mick died.  If I turned on the radio it came on,  My good friend Vivian quoted the song on her fb after Mick died.  This song was all over me.  I did put it on the list.  But I thought, I wonder what the #1 song was the day Mick was born...  I know what your thinking and your wrong the #1 song was Someday by Mariah Carey.  But before I found that out i googled "#1 song on March 20 1991"  Well what came up made me have a break down and cry.  On March 20 1991 Eric Claptons 4 year old son was killed, he fell out of a window.  I never knew this happened on the day Mick was born.  Eric Clapton wrote Tears in Heaven for his son that was killed on the day my son was born.  No I dont think my son was his son reincarnated, but i do believe Micks dieing gave me a connection to that song.  Things tie togeather and I believe Mick has to find ways of letting me know he is here with me.  That song is one of them.  Being back at work helped me alott and hurts me to this day.  If i have to look up anything prior to 1/1/11 i break down.  If i see an email I wrote before 1/1/11 i break down.  It is part of my New Normal right now.  I dont look at anything prior to that date, I cant because all i think is my son was still alive when I got this or when I wrote this.  Its horrible.  But i work and I have good days and bad days and I just do what i have too. 

The first week home

I had the rest of the week off from work.  I wasn't sure what to do.  I set up an area under the window in our living room for Mick.  He needed to be in the living room, with us.  I was told I needed to get a niche for his urn, but I wasn't and still am not ready to do that.  When Mick was 5 he asked me "Mom, if you die can i keep you at home with me?"  He was always so afraid of me dieing and not being with him.  I knew home is where he wants to be.  I wanted him in the living room where we all are.  Where he would fall asleep on the couch and eat his meals in front of the tv.  We still had the Christmas tree up (I usually take it down on New Years morning).  That is where I wanted to place Mick, so for the time being I put him on my kitchen table and I hung his pictures and paintings on the wall and surrounded is urn with flowers.  I made a promise that day that he will always have fresh flowers and a candle burning, always....  Everyone says your to do this for the first year.  What is "the first year" does all this go away in a year?  No it doesn't, I will do this for life, this is my life now.  All I have to give Mick is fresh flowers and a burning candle.  It seemed so normal to be home but it so wasn't.  I cried off and on.  Ray seemed so out of sorts, I could see in his eyes his pain and confusion.  He and Brianne went to her house and we stayed home.  I was sitting on the couch, next to Chris and just kept thinking "this is it"  what do we do now?  Landry?  How do I continue my days with out my son?  I felt like I had lost and arm and had to learn how to do things all over again.  I decided it was time to plan his Life Celebration here in California. There would be no "funeral" here, we would celebrate him!  So many things rushed in my head, I was spinning.  I had to unpack his things and put them away, that was so hard.  To see his shirts that he would wear for a week and remember telling him "Mick you need to wash that and he would say Nah its still good"  My precious boys shirts and shorts.  His sweatshirt that smelled like him and his Urn is all I had left.  Most of the next few days are a blur.  Chris had to go back to work and Kat had to go to school.  Ray was starting a new job and had to deal with that.  I stayed home and tried to pull myself together so I could return to work the next week.   I put our Christmas things away and wondered what happened to Micks gifts that i sent him, I never got them back.  I sorted through pictures and searched for things I had of Micks here at home.  I set Mick up in a nice spot in the living room, under the window with the sun shinning on him.  Friends came to visit and we had so much good food to eat.  Brianne's parents and Shannan filled the house with flowers and candles, it was beautiful and smelled wonderful.  Reality checked in and out for me.  I went on a field trip with Katrina to see the play of Charlotte's Web.  I was scared but I needed to go.  I couldn't hide from the world.  It was fun and it let her know that things were gonna be ok.  No one said anything to me about Mick, I just got the smile with a head tilt.  I broke down during the play, thank goodness for the darkness.  I saw a little boy from another school who looked like Mick when he was small and he was bouncing up and down in his seat and I just broke.  No one noticed and I quiclkly took a breath and smiled.  The rest of the day was quiet and I just tried to keep my composure while out of the house.  When i got home I let it all out.  Kat would see me get sad and look at me and say "Mick?"  then walk over and give me a hug.  She is the best!  I got my first visit from Mick that week.  I was sitting next to his Urn and crying and not understanding why this happened.  i felt so weak and drained, the dark thoughts were at a high and i felt like giving up.  As i sat crying, i had my hand on the seat of the couch and i suddenly felt a heat on my hand and a squeeze.  I didn't move, i just sat quietly.  I knew it was Mick, I know it was Mick....  He was comforting me and I needed it. I talked to Mick allot, asking him to please come back to me.  Screaming at the top of my lungs to please come home.  I have always been a very positive person and never thought of dying as a good thing.  I wanted to die, when i thought of death I felt no fear only comfort.  i thought if I die right now, even if there is no afterlife and I don't see Mick, i at least wont hurt anymore.  This pain will go away.  Death was an answer to end my pain.  i cant describe the feeling of loneliness and despair.  I had so much to live for, how could i want to die?  What about my Ray and Chris and Katrina?  What about my parents and family and friends?  But in those moments you don't think of that.  I thought what good of a mother am I to Ray like this?  I let him down, I didn't protect his brother, how can i protect him?  It was my fault that Mick died, i did it all wrong.  I wanted to die.  The thought of pills was not scary to me.  I even thought how can i do this with minimal clean up for my family.  I didn't care if it hurt me, because no pain was worse than what I was feeling.  i wanted the reality of what happened to go away, I wanted to see Mick.  Honestly, the worst thing you can say to a parent that has lost a child is "you will see him again"  it is a gateway to dark thoughts.  "You will see him again one day, he will greet you when your time has come"  the rush in my heart that all I have to do is die  and I can see him?  Right now?  That's all I have to do and this pain and heartache will go away?     Scary and true, at least for me, that's what I thought.  But my dark thoughts were followed with "I cant do that to my Ray. i cant leave Chris and Katrina."  I had to tell myself how selfish it would be for me to leave them in their pain and add to it.  Mick would be so mad at me for doing that.  He didn't want to go, he was just starting to live.  I am not going to say that my dark thoughts don't still happen, that is normal.  But i know how to handle them, I just think of those i love and know I never want to hurt them or disappoint Mick. Its my job to keep his memory alive.  

Bringing Mick Home.....

We decided to take a train home instead of flying.  I was not going to check my sons urn with his ashes in it as baggage.  That was out of the question.  And I knew I could not take him on to the plane with me.  So a train was the only option.  I was happy to be going home and taking Mick with me, he needed to be home.  He never should of left.  We paked our things and prepared ourselves for the ride.  The last time we took a train we were all together.  Chris, me Kat, Ray and Mick.  It was so fun.  Here we were again, all togeather but was not fun.  I didnt know how to carry Mick on, I didnt want to just carry him and freak people out but i didnt want to just stick him in a bag either.  My mom gave me a really nice sunflower bag that was just the right size and Kat let me wrap him in her pink blanket.  I still didnt like it but it was a nice set up for him.  Walking into the train station, I felt as if everyone knew my sons urn was in the bag.  People stared and looked at all of us funny.  Maybe its just me but thats how I felt.  I couldnt wait to get to our cabin and relax.  We said our goodbyes to my parents and got on the train.  Katrina was so excited, she was ready for bed and it was only 5pm lol.  She loved the train and having our own cabin.  Sittting on the train gives you alot of time to think and I didnt need to think.  We relaxed and talked and laughed, looked at pictures of Mick and Ray and rememebered.  It was nice. After Kat went to sleep Chris and I had some quiet time alone.  We hadnt been alone in a week and Ray and Brianne were up in the top part of the train.  We hugged and just tried to relax. The next morning we arrived at the station and Andre picked us up.  It was nice to see him again.  We drove home quietly, i couldnt wait to get home and take Mick out of this bag.  I needed to get my son home.  I was so happy to be home and so devastated that my son came home in an urn. 

The day of Micks.......

The morning of Micks "funeral, service, mass, rosary"  I don't know what to call it, i cant say the word funeral.  i really cant, i refuse to believe that i had a funeral for my son.  I don't know what to call that day except a nightmare.  We woke up and got ready, I wanted to look nice, i thought Mick deserved that and I wasn't going to be a side show for anyone.  I hate to be so negative but I am.  I feel like some people were waiting to see me break.  We told Micks friends to dress as they would any other day.  Mick was not big on getting super dressed up unless it was a tux.  He loved to wear a tux!  When we were all ready to go we headed to the church.  I carried Micks urn and just kept thinking "this is not real, its just not".  I couldn't cry, I wasn't going to cry, I needed to be aware and ready for anything.  I don't know why but that's what I felt.  We arrived at the church and no one was around at first.  I remember we got out and walked into the reception hall.  i was holding Mick and felt confused and unsure of what to do.  Then we walked over to the church and I placed Mick on a table in front of the altar.  Katrina, Chris and I walked to look at the beautiful flowers that had been sent.  Katrina picked a beautiful rose and we decided to lay it next to Micks picture.  I remember the church door opening and Chris' best friend Andre walked in.  We were so surprised!  We had no idea he was coming in from California.  I know it made my husband happy to have his friend there. I felt the love that Andre had for us.  People were arriving, people I hadn't seen in 15 years or more.  I was spinning!  I told Chris I didn't want to be in the church for the rosary.  i just couldn't, it wasn't right, I was angry and i felt like not being in there made it not real.  We waited in the reception hall and looked at a dvd that was made of Mick.  It had many pictures of him as a little boy.  In one recent picture Mick was smoking a cigarette and I thought "WHAT"  Mick smoked!  I did not know.  He hid it from me because he knew i would not be happy.  That made me mad and happy at the same time.  He didn't want to disappoint me.  It let me know that what I thought did matter to him very much.  I don't know if you understand that but that's how I felt.  It was so hard to look at these pictures of Mick and know I would never take any new ones.  After a little while someone came in and said we needed to come into the church.  I didn't want to but went.  We walked through the crowd and made it to the front.  Still in denial that this is real, i hugged and said thank you to many, many people.  I can remember some and not others.  I felt like i was at a party and was just saying hello to guests.  It was not because my son had died.  I tried to be as if everything was ok.  Asked how people were, said it was good to see them.  Tried not to acknowledge the look of sadness on their face.  I don't remember half of what I said.  The priest came out and gave a very nice mass.  My cousin read a letter for me to everyone, thanking them and telling them we had no ill will against those that were involved in Micks death.  That was important to me.  i don't hate anyone and I don't blame anyone.  I feel so sorry for those involved, they took my beautiful son from me and they have to live with that.  That is a terrible thing to live with.  i don't wish it on them or anyone.  A lady named Paula that Mick had met and really liked played Fur Elise from Beethoven.  I couldn't remember the song when she first said what she was going to play and then she started to play it and it was like a rush to my heart!  i loved hearing that tune and i remembered Mick playing it every time he got near a piano. She is a very nice lady and Mick really liked her allot and for that I thank her.  After the mass, the priest had Micks dad and family carry Mick outside.  I remember at first thinking "HEY!  I'm his mother, why are they carrying him out?  Why are you putting your back to me!  I matter too here!  What about his brother and sister and step father?!!"  Then all of a sudden I felt a calmness and thought its ok, let them have some time with him before I take him home. 
i daydreamed allot  during the mass, I think I was displacing myself from the reality.  I kept thinking about what we needed to do when we get home.  Is that wrong?  I did not want to focus on what was really happening.  We walked outside and i kept my head down and felt a rush of reality.  I should be doing this at Micks wedding!!!  This is all wrong! Then we got outside and his dad had arranged to have doves released in his honor.  i did not know this was planned and honestly thought it was weird.  I don't know why.  Is it wrong of me to say that? I just stood there like a spectator.  The poem that was read had nothing to do with Mick.   It did not remind me of him or anything he would of said or did.  It was a general poem that is read at all funerals that release the doves.  It was pretty but I felt Mick was original and most likely would of thought it was funny to do that. I'm not trying to be mean, it just wasn't what I would of chosen to do. I DID know that Katrina loved the doves, she thought it was so neat when they were released.  i remember thinking "what do the doves do now?  Are they free?  Do they know how to survive on their own?  Sounds silly but I did.   Ray and Brianne stayed by my side and Chris behind me, my walls to lean on.  i looked around and felt like I was lost.  I have never felt so out of place.  We didn't belong here, this wasn't for us or Mick.  It wasn't real, it just wasn't real to me.  It was time to walk to the reception, again this should of been for his wedding or his college graduation.  We walked in and I saw so many people, all here for Mick but I felt  so out of place.  They kept telling me "go eat, so others can eat."  Let them eat, I don't wanna eat.  Why are they waiting!!!  We placed Mick on a table and had pictures around him. I'm not sure people noticed he was there.  I talked to some old friends and family i hadn't seen in a long time.  Every time i would stop a line would form.  I tried to talk to everyone and not brush anyone off.  It was hard and I appreciate everyone caring enough to come.  But again, it wasn't real to me.  I was still in shock and was on auto pilot. Chris stayed by my side and we talked to so many people.  Ray and Brianne watched Katrina and kept themselves busy.  At the end of the day, Micks friends helped clean up the hall and then we all went to my moms for a little while before they headed out back to California.  Such good kids that loved My Mick and love My Ray, there were there for him too.  We got home and I put Kat down for a nap and rested a little myself.  The rest of the night was quiet and a bit of a blur again.  We had made it through the day and it was time to get ready to go home and take Mick with us.  He was coming home. 

The first week with out My Mick.

Waking up that first morning after Mick was taken from me was unreal.  I opened my eyes to a blurr of tears.  I dont think I myself remembered what happened but my body did.  I shook and cried and like i got another sledghammer to the gut and I rememebered my beautiful baby boy was gone.  I got up, showered, dressed and ate.  Walking in a state of shock not really sure what to do.  Where do we begin?  Who do we call?  Should someone be calling me?  Thinking of my Mick, where is he?  Who is with him?  Is he alone?  I just waited and waied for him to call and say "sorry mom it was all a bad mistake, it wasnt me"  That call never came.  I rememeber so many times watchng the news and seeing reports of people killed in accidents and robberies.  Feeling so sorry for their loss.  I use to think how do these poor mothers deal with this being on the news?  Do these reporters and stations think of the familes who have lost their loved one?  Well all my questions were answerd in one shot.  I saw the first report on Mick and what happened.  It was like a bad dream, how could that be my son they are talking about?  Seeing the police cars and people standing around at the scene.  Again, how could this be about my son?  Then the idiot on tv called him Lawrence!  Lawrence???  I thought "what!"  thats not his name, thats not even close to his name!  Where did they get Lawrence?  Over and over he kep saying Lawrence.  I looked around the room and saw the disgust on my families face and how no one but my husband could look at me.  He held my hand and we just looked at each other.  Then they kept talking about how they were doing toxicology reports on Mick to see if he was drunk or on drugs.  What do you think, I thought, it was New Years Eve you were probably drunk!!  Why do you need to make my son sound so bad?  He was a good boy.  Then my dad put another station on and they at least got his name right.  I have a hard time watching the news, I dont like it.  They are worried about stories and drama and will make it sound as bad as possible because thats what people want to hear.  I dont watch the news anymore.  The rest of the day is a bit of a blur, I rememeber people coming over and feeling like I wanted to dig a hole and hide.  The look on everyones face when they saw me, everyone had he same look.  I thought to myself I am ruining everyones New Year.  Thats all I could think.  I dont know why.  That day Mick and Rays good friends came into town from Ca.  I was so surprised that they came all that way to be with Ray.  I loved it.  On Monday i got a call from the Medical Examiner assistant. her name was April and she was very nice to me.  She had some questions about Mick and needed me to help id him.  She asked me about Mick, about his tattoos and piercings.  I asked her if I could see him, she replied so sweetly " you are his mother and you need to remember him as your son Mick alive"  She said no mother should have to see her baby like this so please keep him the way you rememebr him"  I said ok and thank you.  She told me if a person who has died has markings that can id them then she likes to do it that way.  She said nicely "your son has many nice tattoos, tell me about them."  I said well he has gotten more that i hadnt seen yet but my favorite is the tree on his side.  She said yes I see it, it is very nice.  It was like I was showing her pictures of him for fun and not to make sure that was my son who had died.    We talked a little longer and she said she would be calling back later to ask me a few other questions.  I hung up the phone and took a deep breath and went to tell Chris what she said.  There are so many questions that have to be answere when someone is killed.  Was it suicide was one that i was asked, i said no, no way, My Mick had plenty of plans ahead of him.  I said we were planning his birthday party and he was going to attend school.  She aggreed, it was not suicide.  What a relief I thought.  Mick would never do that to me, I know it.  The rest of that day was spent sitting quietly and waiting for them to release Mick.  I never knew there were so many procedures that needed to be followed.  I couldnt wait, I hated my son being alone and cold somewhere and I couldnt go pick him up.  I couldnt call him.  I couldnt see him.  All I could do was wait and wait some more. My parents wanted to help with his service, i told my mom to do what she wanted with her church and I told Chris we will plan our own celebration when we get home.  He agreed and now we just had to wait for them to release Mick.  Release my sons body, my son!  Why was this happening?  Why was my son taken from me?  What did I do wrong?  Why did this happen?  Swirls of questions in my head.  I went through my day a zombie, smiling when needed, crying when I couldnt hold back anymore.  Seeing family and friemds i hadnt seen in forever.  Finally on Tuesday I got the call that they were realeasing Mick to the funeral home.  We decided on cremation and that i was bringing him home with me.  We thought we would have his service on a Sat, so everyone could come.  So many of his friends were going to drive down from Ca, i couldnt believe it.  You see people Micks age and think they wouldnt care enough to put out such effort, but his friends did.  They loved him...Tuesday morning we had to go to the funeral home and make cremation arrangments.  We all sat in a room and were asked so many questions.  I had to pick out a prayer for him, the first page I turned to was "Remember Me"  It was a poem about spring and Mick was my spring baby.  I chose it without a thought.  While I was answering the funeral directors questions i looked at the file in front of me.  It was a plain brown file with Micks name on it and below it said the name of the funeral home.  I felt sick, why was my sons name on this file?  Again WHY?  I took a breath and continued on.  After answering the most stupid, unneccasary questions on earth it was time to pick his urn.  How do you pick an urn, style, color, material, what?  Am I suppose to think oh he will be comfortable in that one.....  How do i do this?  Well Mick made it easy for me, i walked in and saw this beautiful silver urn with a beautiful eagle on it.  Mick loved eagles and it matched a necklace Mick had perfectly.  This eagle necklace i had told Mick to leave with me when he went to visit his dad.  It was the exact same necklace.  i couldnt believe it.  I looked at my husband and said thats it, thats the one.  We were done.  Then I chose a necklace i saw at the funeral home.  You are suppose to put ashes of your loved  one in it but I chose to leave it as is.   Later that day Chris and  I went to the mall to have my necklace engraved, I had "My Mick" put on it.  The guy wasnt sure how long it would take and we needed to hurry and get back to the funeral home to drop off a picture i wanted cremated with Mick and they were closing soon.  Chris told the engraver what the reason behind the necklace was and he said ok 15 mins.  We came back 15 minuets later and the necklace was ready, Chris pulled put his wallet and the guy said nope, your all good  and Im so sorry for your loss.  Chris and I were stunned, Chris said i havent paid and the guy said no sir were all good here.  It was so sweet of him.  We were shown such kindness, from everyone.  Kindness that got us to the airport and  to Mick and brought Katrina along 3 days later and helped us get through another day.  I would love to say who they are but I do not have their permission but they know who they are.  Wed  morning we were leaving to fly and pick up Kat and we got the call that Mick was ready to be brought home.  I had to get Katrina so I aske Ray Anthony to pick up his brother.  He agreed, and went with my mom to pick him up.  He text me when they got Mick and he said I have him here right on my lap.  It was so sweet and so painfull at the same time.  We got Kat and headed back to Abq.  It was a long day after a long week and it was only Wed.  We arrived in late that night and I rememeber driving to my moms and thinking Mick is there, but not in the way I wanted him to be.  We got to my moms and we went to put Katrina to bed, i couldnt acknowledge Micks presence untill she was asleep in bed.  After we put her to sleep, i walked in the room where Mick urn was sitting, ever so quietly with a picture of him next to it and a candle.  It was like a dream (nightmare)my first thought was "Mick is in there"  how could my son, so beautiful and full of life be in that "thing"!   I made him, I raised him and I loved him.  This is what i am left with.  It wasnt fair!  I want to hold his hand, I want to kiss him!  Why is this happening!  The rest of the week was just waiting for Saturday.  The days were long and sad and it was so cold outside.  Having Katrina arond made it easier for us all.  Katrina, Ray and Brianne along with Lacy and Kyle stayed at the house playing music and trying to keep busy.  Chris and I went to get clothes to weaar on Sat and I thought I'm going to wear this to my sons funeral?  Again WHY?  Why is this happening? We all knew what was ahead of us but tried not to think about it.  Such a long week for us all. That Friday we took katrina to the mall and got her a pretty locket, we had it engraved "My Brother Mick'  she loved it.  She kept it on Micks urn and it is still there to this day.  We keep it open to show his picture.  She says he cant see if we close it.  She is so smart and sweet.  If it wasnt for Chris, Ray and Katrina I dont think I would make it through this.  I really dont. 

The call that changed my life

The morning of January 1st, 2011 started normal.  Katrina woke up first and came to our bed and quietly laid down next to me to watch cartoons.  I woke up and thought wow she actually slept in a little.  Chris then woke up and we all laid there for a few minuets talking about what to have for breakfast.  I had text Mick and Ray at midnight California time to say Happy New Year.  Ray had responded but Mick never did.  I thought of this and looked at my cell phone to see if he had text back yet.  He had not.  I looked at Chris and said Mick didn't text back and Chris gave me a "I'm sorry" look  and said he is probley still asleep.  I agreed.  A few moments later Chris" cell phone rang and I picked it up and saw it was my dad calling.  I handed it to Chris and knew it probley wasn't good news.  I thought why is he calling Chris???  Chris answered and i heard my dad say "if your next to Sabrina walk away"  my heart stopped and I felt very sick.  Chris walked into the other room and I of course followed.  i couldn't hear what was being said but Chris wouldn't look at me.  I tapped him on the shoulder and said "is it my mom?  Is she ok?  Whats wrong?"  I kept thinking in my head that my mom fell and broke her arm.  I have no idea why.  I never for a second thought it was Mick.  Chris hung up with my dad. (he told me later he actually pretended to still be on the call for 20 seconds before turning around to me).  I remember he was pale in the face, that's it.  I don't remember what he said.  I only remember feeling like I had been hit with a sledge hammer in the stomach.  I remember crying and saying no, its not true.  I was laying on the floor and Chris was holding me but I felt numb and confused.  Katrina sat on the bed and I do remember her pretty face looking so lost as to what was happening.  I kept thinking get up, its not true.  Its a blurr after that for awhile.  Chris then had to call Ray.  Chris my wonderful husband who had to put his grief aside to take care of us.  He had to tell me, Ray and Katrina that our loved Mick was gone.  He called Ray and as he told him what happened Rays phone died.  He only caught a bit of what Chris said.  When he called back, Chris again had to tell him Mick had been killed.  Rays girlfriend Brianne and he parents immediately brought Ray home to us.    Seeing my poor Rays face when he walked in my room is burned into my memory.  So shocked and sad, wide eyed and frowning.  We hugged each other very tight.  We could not believe our three was made a two.  We didn't know what to do.  We hugged and hugged, then Katrina and Chris came and we all hugged.  How our lives had just been shattered.  Katrina so bright and smart, wasn't sure what was happening at first.  Chris so sweetly explained to her what happened to her brother Mick.   She broke down and cried.  Her mom came to get her and take her home so we could start to think of what we needed to do.  We didn't want her to go but we knew it was best.  I kept thinking who do I call?  How do I tell them?  How do i say Mick is gone? 
The rest of that day is a blurr for me.  I remember bits and pieces, i remember the kindness of friends rushing to help us and be by our side.  Such sad kindness I had never known till that day and i will always be grateful for.  We had never met Brianne's wonderful parents before, when they came back over to drop off Brianne so she could be by Ray side when we went to be with Mick and it was as if we had always known each other. I can remember thinking, I cant believe this is how we are meeting but I felt so comfortable with them.  We then had to head to the airport to go and be with Mick.  It was a horrible feeling driving to the airport and feeling so lost and confused.  Was this for real?  When will I wake up?  Please let me wake up!  On the plane an elderly man was sat next to me and i thought "ugh wish he wasn't sitting here!"  Before the flight was over the elderly man looked at me very sweetly and said "I can tell you have lost someone you love and I am so sorry."  He was so sweet.  The rest of the night was quiet, we got to my mothers and went to sleep.  I fell asleep crying and thought its just a bad bad dream right?!  But I knew it wasn't.    

What tattoo would you get or have that would mark the memory of your child forever?

Hello everyone!  My name is Sabrina and I am a grieving mother.  I know that sounds strange to introduce myself like that but you either understand or you don't.   My son Mick was killed on January 1st, 2011.  Exactly 3 months, 12 days ago.  I have no problem knowing the time that has passed because it happened on the first.  The number 1 use to mean so much to me, it meant greatness, superiority, winning, the best!  Now the number 1 means loss, days of grieving, shock and despair.  1/1/11 numbers and dates that I hate to think about.  I dread the first and will most likely forever.  I am not going to talk about how my son was killed but about how he lived.  He was beautiful from the moment he was born.  A wonderful baby, who rarely ever cried or whined.  He grew into a funny, sweet, smart and handsome young man.  One that was liked by all that met him.  Even if they didn't like him at first they did soon after.  He was a wonderful son, brother, grandson and cousin.  He will never be a father, he will never grow old.  He is forever young something none of us should be.  My son loved tattoos, something he inherited from me I suppose, i have 12.  I want to get a tattoo for my son, in his honor.  Some that loved him already have.  Very beautiful tattoos that mean more to me than they will ever know.  The most beautiful though is the one his big brother Ray got, the week Mick was killed.  It is simple and sweet.  It just says "MICK"  doesn't need to say more, doesn't need any flash.  I love it and I know Mick does too.  I want to know more about the tattoos you have for your children.  If you are a grieving parent, sibling,grand parent, cousin, friend.  I want to know about your tattoo and why you chose it.  Send me pictures too, Id love to see them.  I will write ore about My Mick has time goes on.  i miss him and sharing him helps me.  Please pass on my blog to anyone who might want to read it. 


Sabrina