Going back to work

Time to go back to work.  My son died but life is still happening.  No one told the world to stop so that I could heal.  Being at home was getting me no where.  i am a person who needs normalcy, I need to be somewhat organized.  i knew the longer i stayed out, the more hiding in my home would become my normalcy. I could of stayed out longer, I could have hid in my house and not gone on.  No I couldnt!  That wouldnt be good for me or my family.  I am a recrutier for a national company.  I have to represent my company and seek out and interview candidates to hire into managment positions.  In other words I have to be peppy, smile and look my best and pay attension.  Hmmmmmm how the heck do i do that when my heart is broken and I have been crying for 2 weeks straight?  My boss asked me if i wanted her to let my co workers know what happened.  I said yes, i didnt want to come back and be asked how my vacation was or where have i been.  I told her if they know before I come back they can think about how they will approach me or how they will avoid me.  Its true because some have avoided me to this day.  But thats ok i get it, its hard and uncomfortable.  But on the other hand I have made new friends, people who I never spoke to before gave me condolences and i learned of pain they have endoured and now we are friends.  I also have wanted to punch peoples lights out for being ridiculous.  I actually was told my second day back " I know how you feel, I recently lost my dog and it is so painful"  WTF!  Are you seriously comparing the loss of my son to the loss of your DOG?  I didnt say a word, I smiled and walked away.  Closed my office door and laughed and cried and laughed again as to what an imbisol that person is!  I had to avoid this person for a long time because everytime i saw them they wanted to talk about their dead dog.  She has stopped and i can speak to her now but i am careful when i do.  Working was very hard, during interviews I would day dream of my son and not listen to what they were saying.  I was forgetting things and was so unorganized.  I cried constanltly, thank goodness i can shut my office door.  i have a picture of my sons on my desk and I stare at it and cry and then I take a breath and keep going.   I became obbsessed with books on the afterlife and comunication with the afterlife.  Anything i could read that let me know my son was ok and was around i read.  But i only read half of it.  If I didnt feel instant relief I went on to another one.  i was like a drug addict need a stronger drug everytime except it was books and websites not drugs.  I did find comfort with The Facebook page The Compationate Friends.  I have made many new friends with grieving mothers like myself and its a sad club that we belong to but it helps.  I had another visit from Mick at work, this one of many really knocked me out of my chair (literally)  I went to a ADC site and was going to read about people who have had signs from their loved ones.  The first story I went to was dated 1/1/11 (the day Mick was killed)  I opened it to read.  (First I should let you know that one of my biggest fears since Mick was killed was if he felt anything, did he suffer?  Did he know what was happening.  I was so afraid that he suffered and was in pain. It was so hard to think about him suffering.)  Well the first story I looked at was from a woman who lost her husband in a car accident.  Her husbands name was "Mick"...  (That is what made me fall out of my chair!)  Then she said she had been so worried that her husband suffered in his accident.  She worried of this like I did about my Mick.  Her husband came to her in a dream and told her he felt about half a second of pain and then he felt a calmness come over him,  he told her he was ok and not to worry.  He answered the question i wanted answered by Mick, his name was Mick and she wrote this on the day Mick died.  That was enough for me, I knew Mick was tellling me what i wanted to know.  i know he was.  i was so happy and relieved.  It was short lived but boy it felt great!  It was some relief for me i can say that.  I have had many visits from Mick at work.    Another was while I was on lunch I was making a song list for his life celebration.  I kept hearing the song Tears from heaven by Eric Clapton.  I heard that song almost everyday since Mick died.  If I turned on the radio it came on,  My good friend Vivian quoted the song on her fb after Mick died.  This song was all over me.  I did put it on the list.  But I thought, I wonder what the #1 song was the day Mick was born...  I know what your thinking and your wrong the #1 song was Someday by Mariah Carey.  But before I found that out i googled "#1 song on March 20 1991"  Well what came up made me have a break down and cry.  On March 20 1991 Eric Claptons 4 year old son was killed, he fell out of a window.  I never knew this happened on the day Mick was born.  Eric Clapton wrote Tears in Heaven for his son that was killed on the day my son was born.  No I dont think my son was his son reincarnated, but i do believe Micks dieing gave me a connection to that song.  Things tie togeather and I believe Mick has to find ways of letting me know he is here with me.  That song is one of them.  Being back at work helped me alott and hurts me to this day.  If i have to look up anything prior to 1/1/11 i break down.  If i see an email I wrote before 1/1/11 i break down.  It is part of my New Normal right now.  I dont look at anything prior to that date, I cant because all i think is my son was still alive when I got this or when I wrote this.  Its horrible.  But i work and I have good days and bad days and I just do what i have too.