The first week home

I had the rest of the week off from work.  I wasn't sure what to do.  I set up an area under the window in our living room for Mick.  He needed to be in the living room, with us.  I was told I needed to get a niche for his urn, but I wasn't and still am not ready to do that.  When Mick was 5 he asked me "Mom, if you die can i keep you at home with me?"  He was always so afraid of me dieing and not being with him.  I knew home is where he wants to be.  I wanted him in the living room where we all are.  Where he would fall asleep on the couch and eat his meals in front of the tv.  We still had the Christmas tree up (I usually take it down on New Years morning).  That is where I wanted to place Mick, so for the time being I put him on my kitchen table and I hung his pictures and paintings on the wall and surrounded is urn with flowers.  I made a promise that day that he will always have fresh flowers and a candle burning, always....  Everyone says your to do this for the first year.  What is "the first year" does all this go away in a year?  No it doesn't, I will do this for life, this is my life now.  All I have to give Mick is fresh flowers and a burning candle.  It seemed so normal to be home but it so wasn't.  I cried off and on.  Ray seemed so out of sorts, I could see in his eyes his pain and confusion.  He and Brianne went to her house and we stayed home.  I was sitting on the couch, next to Chris and just kept thinking "this is it"  what do we do now?  Landry?  How do I continue my days with out my son?  I felt like I had lost and arm and had to learn how to do things all over again.  I decided it was time to plan his Life Celebration here in California. There would be no "funeral" here, we would celebrate him!  So many things rushed in my head, I was spinning.  I had to unpack his things and put them away, that was so hard.  To see his shirts that he would wear for a week and remember telling him "Mick you need to wash that and he would say Nah its still good"  My precious boys shirts and shorts.  His sweatshirt that smelled like him and his Urn is all I had left.  Most of the next few days are a blur.  Chris had to go back to work and Kat had to go to school.  Ray was starting a new job and had to deal with that.  I stayed home and tried to pull myself together so I could return to work the next week.   I put our Christmas things away and wondered what happened to Micks gifts that i sent him, I never got them back.  I sorted through pictures and searched for things I had of Micks here at home.  I set Mick up in a nice spot in the living room, under the window with the sun shinning on him.  Friends came to visit and we had so much good food to eat.  Brianne's parents and Shannan filled the house with flowers and candles, it was beautiful and smelled wonderful.  Reality checked in and out for me.  I went on a field trip with Katrina to see the play of Charlotte's Web.  I was scared but I needed to go.  I couldn't hide from the world.  It was fun and it let her know that things were gonna be ok.  No one said anything to me about Mick, I just got the smile with a head tilt.  I broke down during the play, thank goodness for the darkness.  I saw a little boy from another school who looked like Mick when he was small and he was bouncing up and down in his seat and I just broke.  No one noticed and I quiclkly took a breath and smiled.  The rest of the day was quiet and I just tried to keep my composure while out of the house.  When i got home I let it all out.  Kat would see me get sad and look at me and say "Mick?"  then walk over and give me a hug.  She is the best!  I got my first visit from Mick that week.  I was sitting next to his Urn and crying and not understanding why this happened.  i felt so weak and drained, the dark thoughts were at a high and i felt like giving up.  As i sat crying, i had my hand on the seat of the couch and i suddenly felt a heat on my hand and a squeeze.  I didn't move, i just sat quietly.  I knew it was Mick, I know it was Mick....  He was comforting me and I needed it. I talked to Mick allot, asking him to please come back to me.  Screaming at the top of my lungs to please come home.  I have always been a very positive person and never thought of dying as a good thing.  I wanted to die, when i thought of death I felt no fear only comfort.  i thought if I die right now, even if there is no afterlife and I don't see Mick, i at least wont hurt anymore.  This pain will go away.  Death was an answer to end my pain.  i cant describe the feeling of loneliness and despair.  I had so much to live for, how could i want to die?  What about my Ray and Chris and Katrina?  What about my parents and family and friends?  But in those moments you don't think of that.  I thought what good of a mother am I to Ray like this?  I let him down, I didn't protect his brother, how can i protect him?  It was my fault that Mick died, i did it all wrong.  I wanted to die.  The thought of pills was not scary to me.  I even thought how can i do this with minimal clean up for my family.  I didn't care if it hurt me, because no pain was worse than what I was feeling.  i wanted the reality of what happened to go away, I wanted to see Mick.  Honestly, the worst thing you can say to a parent that has lost a child is "you will see him again"  it is a gateway to dark thoughts.  "You will see him again one day, he will greet you when your time has come"  the rush in my heart that all I have to do is die  and I can see him?  Right now?  That's all I have to do and this pain and heartache will go away?     Scary and true, at least for me, that's what I thought.  But my dark thoughts were followed with "I cant do that to my Ray. i cant leave Chris and Katrina."  I had to tell myself how selfish it would be for me to leave them in their pain and add to it.  Mick would be so mad at me for doing that.  He didn't want to go, he was just starting to live.  I am not going to say that my dark thoughts don't still happen, that is normal.  But i know how to handle them, I just think of those i love and know I never want to hurt them or disappoint Mick. Its my job to keep his memory alive.