Wow its been awhile and so much as changed..... Life is very different since you left us. Reading over what I wrote back in 2011-12 it doesn't even sound like me anymore. I don't know who that person was anymore. I guess I'm on a higher level of grief now and I know how to live without you. I don't want too but I know how too. I have too. I have another choice but that wouldn't be the right choice. So much has changed in 5 years. Mick your an Uncle now, Ray is a daddy! So unreal that you aren't physically apart of this. We even live in a different home in a different city. I know you know all this.... Why am I writing again after 5 years almost to the day? No idea why, I woke up and felt I needed too. I wasn't even sure I could find my blog, but I found it pretty easy. I'm sitting out back, looking at the sunshine and have been visited by a white butterfly twice, a humming bird and some sparrows. Our Pug Dolly is quietly laying next to me and Miles is laying in the sun. I look at my life and its just so perfect, I have everything I could ever want or need and I'm grateful so very grateful. But you are gone...... 7 Years in and its still not real. Its still a daily struggle to breathe but I do it. A lot has changed since you left Mick, a lot. We have let old friends go that we thought were forever friends, your grandpa Jerry is with you and grandma Charlie and I don't speak to your grandma and not sure when I will again. Its just where life has taken us. Chris and I are happy and strong together, he works so hard and keeps us on our feet. He really takes care of me, I know you know this. Katrina is just turning into the most beautiful young woman Ive ever seen. She so smart and wise, so very wise for her age. She talks about you often and still sleeps with you shirt hanging on her bed. Ray and Brianne are doing great and the babies are just the most wonderful amazing little creations ever to walk this earth! I love being a grandma. I think it fits me well. I still talk to you daily and wait for your response. Grief is different. I think I'm just use to the pain, its apart of me now. Its apart of my personality and my daily routine. I hate it bit it is what it is. Your birthday is coming again. You will be 27, your almost 30 Mick, I don't know what to do to celebrate you. I'm hoping you'll show me soon what to do.
I find myself thinking a lot, I don't know what I'm thinking but I'm fer sure thinking. I keep waiting for this AhHa moment to happen and that I will understand why everything is the way it is. But hasn't happened yet. I walk around doing what I need to do and imagining a different life with you in it. Would I have too much perfect in my life? Is this why I have to live without you? I just don't understand. I don't have any better a grasp on why you were killed I don't think I ever will.
You send me signs and I never doubt them, I know your here with me. I haven't dreamt of you in awhile though, could you please handle that? I need a hug from you. I hate hurting, I try not to but that's not a reality. When I think that until the day I die this is how heavy my heart will be its unreal.
I get so many wonderful signs from you, really flashy good ones sometimes lol they make me smile and then cry and then smile again. Your pretty good with signs that's fer sure. I don't think every thing is a sign either. I know when its you and when its not.
This is my favorite time of year, the weather is beautiful, things are blooming and the birds are singing loud. You are my spring baby, my bright shinning spring baby. Stella and I were playing outside last week and she was so wild, just like you and Ray always were. She ran around like a bird out of her cage and just soaked up all the sunshine. Stone sat on my lap and watched her, he would smile and I could see his excitement watching her. Soon enough he will be doing the same thing. Just like you and Ray they will be 2 peas in a pod. Katrina is so loving being an aunt too. She doesn't see them too often but Stella talk's about her all the time. Ray is doing so well in his career and living his dream and being a good dad. Brianne is such a good mommy and really works hard.
I cant help but think everyday where would you be? What would you be doing? I still hope for a knock on the door and seeing a young woman telling me she has your child. LOL you dated so much why couldn't there of been a little you left here in this world too. I guess you really listened when I told you to keep it wrapped lol. well I'm done for now, I'm starting to ramble. I love you Mick, lets get that dream going, okay?
