The first week with out My Mick.

Waking up that first morning after Mick was taken from me was unreal.  I opened my eyes to a blurr of tears.  I dont think I myself remembered what happened but my body did.  I shook and cried and like i got another sledghammer to the gut and I rememebered my beautiful baby boy was gone.  I got up, showered, dressed and ate.  Walking in a state of shock not really sure what to do.  Where do we begin?  Who do we call?  Should someone be calling me?  Thinking of my Mick, where is he?  Who is with him?  Is he alone?  I just waited and waied for him to call and say "sorry mom it was all a bad mistake, it wasnt me"  That call never came.  I rememeber so many times watchng the news and seeing reports of people killed in accidents and robberies.  Feeling so sorry for their loss.  I use to think how do these poor mothers deal with this being on the news?  Do these reporters and stations think of the familes who have lost their loved one?  Well all my questions were answerd in one shot.  I saw the first report on Mick and what happened.  It was like a bad dream, how could that be my son they are talking about?  Seeing the police cars and people standing around at the scene.  Again, how could this be about my son?  Then the idiot on tv called him Lawrence!  Lawrence???  I thought "what!"  thats not his name, thats not even close to his name!  Where did they get Lawrence?  Over and over he kep saying Lawrence.  I looked around the room and saw the disgust on my families face and how no one but my husband could look at me.  He held my hand and we just looked at each other.  Then they kept talking about how they were doing toxicology reports on Mick to see if he was drunk or on drugs.  What do you think, I thought, it was New Years Eve you were probably drunk!!  Why do you need to make my son sound so bad?  He was a good boy.  Then my dad put another station on and they at least got his name right.  I have a hard time watching the news, I dont like it.  They are worried about stories and drama and will make it sound as bad as possible because thats what people want to hear.  I dont watch the news anymore.  The rest of the day is a bit of a blur, I rememeber people coming over and feeling like I wanted to dig a hole and hide.  The look on everyones face when they saw me, everyone had he same look.  I thought to myself I am ruining everyones New Year.  Thats all I could think.  I dont know why.  That day Mick and Rays good friends came into town from Ca.  I was so surprised that they came all that way to be with Ray.  I loved it.  On Monday i got a call from the Medical Examiner assistant. her name was April and she was very nice to me.  She had some questions about Mick and needed me to help id him.  She asked me about Mick, about his tattoos and piercings.  I asked her if I could see him, she replied so sweetly " you are his mother and you need to remember him as your son Mick alive"  She said no mother should have to see her baby like this so please keep him the way you rememebr him"  I said ok and thank you.  She told me if a person who has died has markings that can id them then she likes to do it that way.  She said nicely "your son has many nice tattoos, tell me about them."  I said well he has gotten more that i hadnt seen yet but my favorite is the tree on his side.  She said yes I see it, it is very nice.  It was like I was showing her pictures of him for fun and not to make sure that was my son who had died.    We talked a little longer and she said she would be calling back later to ask me a few other questions.  I hung up the phone and took a deep breath and went to tell Chris what she said.  There are so many questions that have to be answere when someone is killed.  Was it suicide was one that i was asked, i said no, no way, My Mick had plenty of plans ahead of him.  I said we were planning his birthday party and he was going to attend school.  She aggreed, it was not suicide.  What a relief I thought.  Mick would never do that to me, I know it.  The rest of that day was spent sitting quietly and waiting for them to release Mick.  I never knew there were so many procedures that needed to be followed.  I couldnt wait, I hated my son being alone and cold somewhere and I couldnt go pick him up.  I couldnt call him.  I couldnt see him.  All I could do was wait and wait some more. My parents wanted to help with his service, i told my mom to do what she wanted with her church and I told Chris we will plan our own celebration when we get home.  He agreed and now we just had to wait for them to release Mick.  Release my sons body, my son!  Why was this happening?  Why was my son taken from me?  What did I do wrong?  Why did this happen?  Swirls of questions in my head.  I went through my day a zombie, smiling when needed, crying when I couldnt hold back anymore.  Seeing family and friemds i hadnt seen in forever.  Finally on Tuesday I got the call that they were realeasing Mick to the funeral home.  We decided on cremation and that i was bringing him home with me.  We thought we would have his service on a Sat, so everyone could come.  So many of his friends were going to drive down from Ca, i couldnt believe it.  You see people Micks age and think they wouldnt care enough to put out such effort, but his friends did.  They loved him...Tuesday morning we had to go to the funeral home and make cremation arrangments.  We all sat in a room and were asked so many questions.  I had to pick out a prayer for him, the first page I turned to was "Remember Me"  It was a poem about spring and Mick was my spring baby.  I chose it without a thought.  While I was answering the funeral directors questions i looked at the file in front of me.  It was a plain brown file with Micks name on it and below it said the name of the funeral home.  I felt sick, why was my sons name on this file?  Again WHY?  I took a breath and continued on.  After answering the most stupid, unneccasary questions on earth it was time to pick his urn.  How do you pick an urn, style, color, material, what?  Am I suppose to think oh he will be comfortable in that one.....  How do i do this?  Well Mick made it easy for me, i walked in and saw this beautiful silver urn with a beautiful eagle on it.  Mick loved eagles and it matched a necklace Mick had perfectly.  This eagle necklace i had told Mick to leave with me when he went to visit his dad.  It was the exact same necklace.  i couldnt believe it.  I looked at my husband and said thats it, thats the one.  We were done.  Then I chose a necklace i saw at the funeral home.  You are suppose to put ashes of your loved  one in it but I chose to leave it as is.   Later that day Chris and  I went to the mall to have my necklace engraved, I had "My Mick" put on it.  The guy wasnt sure how long it would take and we needed to hurry and get back to the funeral home to drop off a picture i wanted cremated with Mick and they were closing soon.  Chris told the engraver what the reason behind the necklace was and he said ok 15 mins.  We came back 15 minuets later and the necklace was ready, Chris pulled put his wallet and the guy said nope, your all good  and Im so sorry for your loss.  Chris and I were stunned, Chris said i havent paid and the guy said no sir were all good here.  It was so sweet of him.  We were shown such kindness, from everyone.  Kindness that got us to the airport and  to Mick and brought Katrina along 3 days later and helped us get through another day.  I would love to say who they are but I do not have their permission but they know who they are.  Wed  morning we were leaving to fly and pick up Kat and we got the call that Mick was ready to be brought home.  I had to get Katrina so I aske Ray Anthony to pick up his brother.  He agreed, and went with my mom to pick him up.  He text me when they got Mick and he said I have him here right on my lap.  It was so sweet and so painfull at the same time.  We got Kat and headed back to Abq.  It was a long day after a long week and it was only Wed.  We arrived in late that night and I rememeber driving to my moms and thinking Mick is there, but not in the way I wanted him to be.  We got to my moms and we went to put Katrina to bed, i couldnt acknowledge Micks presence untill she was asleep in bed.  After we put her to sleep, i walked in the room where Mick urn was sitting, ever so quietly with a picture of him next to it and a candle.  It was like a dream (nightmare)my first thought was "Mick is in there"  how could my son, so beautiful and full of life be in that "thing"!   I made him, I raised him and I loved him.  This is what i am left with.  It wasnt fair!  I want to hold his hand, I want to kiss him!  Why is this happening!  The rest of the week was just waiting for Saturday.  The days were long and sad and it was so cold outside.  Having Katrina arond made it easier for us all.  Katrina, Ray and Brianne along with Lacy and Kyle stayed at the house playing music and trying to keep busy.  Chris and I went to get clothes to weaar on Sat and I thought I'm going to wear this to my sons funeral?  Again WHY?  Why is this happening? We all knew what was ahead of us but tried not to think about it.  Such a long week for us all. That Friday we took katrina to the mall and got her a pretty locket, we had it engraved "My Brother Mick'  she loved it.  She kept it on Micks urn and it is still there to this day.  We keep it open to show his picture.  She says he cant see if we close it.  She is so smart and sweet.  If it wasnt for Chris, Ray and Katrina I dont think I would make it through this.  I really dont.