The morning of Micks "funeral, service, mass, rosary" I don't know what to call it, i cant say the word funeral. i really cant, i refuse to believe that i had a funeral for my son. I don't know what to call that day except a nightmare. We woke up and got ready, I wanted to look nice, i thought Mick deserved that and I wasn't going to be a side show for anyone. I hate to be so negative but I am. I feel like some people were waiting to see me break. We told Micks friends to dress as they would any other day. Mick was not big on getting super dressed up unless it was a tux. He loved to wear a tux! When we were all ready to go we headed to the church. I carried Micks urn and just kept thinking "this is not real, its just not". I couldn't cry, I wasn't going to cry, I needed to be aware and ready for anything. I don't know why but that's what I felt. We arrived at the church and no one was around at first. I remember we got out and walked into the reception hall. i was holding Mick and felt confused and unsure of what to do. Then we walked over to the church and I placed Mick on a table in front of the altar. Katrina, Chris and I walked to look at the beautiful flowers that had been sent. Katrina picked a beautiful rose and we decided to lay it next to Micks picture. I remember the church door opening and Chris' best friend Andre walked in. We were so surprised! We had no idea he was coming in from California. I know it made my husband happy to have his friend there. I felt the love that Andre had for us. People were arriving, people I hadn't seen in 15 years or more. I was spinning! I told Chris I didn't want to be in the church for the rosary. i just couldn't, it wasn't right, I was angry and i felt like not being in there made it not real. We waited in the reception hall and looked at a dvd that was made of Mick. It had many pictures of him as a little boy. In one recent picture Mick was smoking a cigarette and I thought "WHAT" Mick smoked! I did not know. He hid it from me because he knew i would not be happy. That made me mad and happy at the same time. He didn't want to disappoint me. It let me know that what I thought did matter to him very much. I don't know if you understand that but that's how I felt. It was so hard to look at these pictures of Mick and know I would never take any new ones. After a little while someone came in and said we needed to come into the church. I didn't want to but went. We walked through the crowd and made it to the front. Still in denial that this is real, i hugged and said thank you to many, many people. I can remember some and not others. I felt like i was at a party and was just saying hello to guests. It was not because my son had died. I tried to be as if everything was ok. Asked how people were, said it was good to see them. Tried not to acknowledge the look of sadness on their face. I don't remember half of what I said. The priest came out and gave a very nice mass. My cousin read a letter for me to everyone, thanking them and telling them we had no ill will against those that were involved in Micks death. That was important to me. i don't hate anyone and I don't blame anyone. I feel so sorry for those involved, they took my beautiful son from me and they have to live with that. That is a terrible thing to live with. i don't wish it on them or anyone. A lady named Paula that Mick had met and really liked played Fur Elise from Beethoven. I couldn't remember the song when she first said what she was going to play and then she started to play it and it was like a rush to my heart! i loved hearing that tune and i remembered Mick playing it every time he got near a piano. She is a very nice lady and Mick really liked her allot and for that I thank her. After the mass, the priest had Micks dad and family carry Mick outside. I remember at first thinking "HEY! I'm his mother, why are they carrying him out? Why are you putting your back to me! I matter too here! What about his brother and sister and step father?!!" Then all of a sudden I felt a calmness and thought its ok, let them have some time with him before I take him home.
i daydreamed allot during the mass, I think I was displacing myself from the reality. I kept thinking about what we needed to do when we get home. Is that wrong? I did not want to focus on what was really happening. We walked outside and i kept my head down and felt a rush of reality. I should be doing this at Micks wedding!!! This is all wrong! Then we got outside and his dad had arranged to have doves released in his honor. i did not know this was planned and honestly thought it was weird. I don't know why. Is it wrong of me to say that? I just stood there like a spectator. The poem that was read had nothing to do with Mick. It did not remind me of him or anything he would of said or did. It was a general poem that is read at all funerals that release the doves. It was pretty but I felt Mick was original and most likely would of thought it was funny to do that. I'm not trying to be mean, it just wasn't what I would of chosen to do. I DID know that Katrina loved the doves, she thought it was so neat when they were released. i remember thinking "what do the doves do now? Are they free? Do they know how to survive on their own? Sounds silly but I did. Ray and Brianne stayed by my side and Chris behind me, my walls to lean on. i looked around and felt like I was lost. I have never felt so out of place. We didn't belong here, this wasn't for us or Mick. It wasn't real, it just wasn't real to me. It was time to walk to the reception, again this should of been for his wedding or his college graduation. We walked in and I saw so many people, all here for Mick but I felt so out of place. They kept telling me "go eat, so others can eat." Let them eat, I don't wanna eat. Why are they waiting!!! We placed Mick on a table and had pictures around him. I'm not sure people noticed he was there. I talked to some old friends and family i hadn't seen in a long time. Every time i would stop a line would form. I tried to talk to everyone and not brush anyone off. It was hard and I appreciate everyone caring enough to come. But again, it wasn't real to me. I was still in shock and was on auto pilot. Chris stayed by my side and we talked to so many people. Ray and Brianne watched Katrina and kept themselves busy. At the end of the day, Micks friends helped clean up the hall and then we all went to my moms for a little while before they headed out back to California. Such good kids that loved My Mick and love My Ray, there were there for him too. We got home and I put Kat down for a nap and rested a little myself. The rest of the night was quiet and a bit of a blur again. We had made it through the day and it was time to get ready to go home and take Mick with us. He was coming home.
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