Here we are 14 months since Mick was taken from us. He will be 21 on March 20th. So many memories of talking about his 21st bday. All his plans, hopes and craziness. I always thought to myself "Mick in a bar? Scary" He is so out going, silly and ready for a dare.... The bars chicks wouldnt know what hit them. But i will never hear those stories, they are taken from me. I cant believe he has been gone 14 months. This is the 2nd birthday that i will celebrate without him. Last year we watched movies, ate pizza and had cake. This year i hope it doesnt rain so we can go to the beach. I love it there so peaceful and beautiful. The pain is so real, not having him here with me. I mean he was my baby boy, my sweet mamas boy. He always knew how to get what he wanted. From anyone not just me.... Mick and Ray just have that smile that you cant say no too. You know the kind i mean... There smiles just melt you and you give in...
My heart is so heavy, i feel like it weighs a 100 pounds. It hurts, aches and swirls. How am i so happy and lucky to have my life but have such a hole in it at the same time. The fog in my head is gone, and now i am just aware and its unreal. It doesnt get better, it just gets easier to hide the pain. Dont get me wrong i am a happy person, if i wasnt id probley be dead. Sorry if that shocks you but its true. I dont think i could make it through all this if i wasnt happy. My happiness is what keeps me going. My husband Chris, Ray and Kat. They are my daily fuel to get up and move. To smile and laugh. Mick helps too, he knows just when to give me a lil sign. I know he is here right now as i write this.
I got some closure from his death, not all but some... Im thankful for that. The anger comes out at times, usually when im alone, i dont know why. i have obsession on how to "do" things for him now that i cant "do" things for him. I try to focus on Ray and his happiness and his coming soon wedding. Katrina is such a light for me. She makes me smile. Chris, my rock, he keeps me together and picks up the pieces when i fall. I wish all grieving mothers had that. It does help.
Sometimes I just cant believe he is gone.... I think its a bad dream and i just cant wake up. Wouldnt that be great! If i could just wake up and it be Dec 31, 2010... And everything was good. Mick is coming home were gona have a party and everything is wonderful. He will be Rays best man and get really crazy on the dance floor at his wedding. He would dance with Brianne and joke that he let Ray have her... lol he would hit on all her friends and be his crazy self. I never got to dance with Mick, something i always wanted. he thought it was weird lol. He didnt think i should be dancing.. lol he was so funny.
I wish that i knew this heartache would go away but i know it never will. I have to live with it and hope to whoever, whatever and wherever that i dont have anymore added in my life.... I just dont know what kind of person i would become.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Its been a year.....
I haven't written in awhile, feel like Ive been on another planet. Just to much in my head and so hard to speak. The last time i was here Ray and I had just had our birthdays. Halloween was next. it was a nice HHalloween. I didn't think I could really celebrate it but toward the end of the month I got very excited. We decorated a little and got Katrina all ready for the big day. She was Tangled Rapunzel. She was beautiful. Ray, Brianne, Cindy and Ian (Brianne's parents) Shannan and Amanda. I made cheese enchiladas and beans (Micks fav) I lite a special candle for Mick in addition to the one i have lit 24/7 since he was killed. I made a plate for Mick and placed it in front of his picture. It was a really nice night, i felt him with us as always.
Next came Thanksgiving, I was thinking of Mick, he just liked turkey and mashed potato's thats it. We had dinner at ray and Brianne's new place. It was really nice and calm.
Day to day is ok, some days i cry for no reason, other days I don't cry, i just get angry and then cry all day the next day. My doctor put me on some stomach medication because I was developing an ulcer. She asked me "have you been under any stress" what an understatement. I looked at her and broke down crying. I told her through my tears that my Mick was gone. She was very sweet and asked why i didn't tell her this the last 3 times i had seen her. We talked about things for awhile and i left for home. Its so unreal to have to explain that your child is gone. I just never saw myself having to do that. This sort of thing doesn't happen to me. I was meant to see both my sons grow up.
I smile, i joke, i have fun, but there is always this giant weight on my chest. I can laugh so hard at something and then take a breath and think "my Mick is gone" then start over again. Its just something that hovers over you. It will never go away. Its so hard when people say "you will be ok, you will get better" but you know what? No i never will. I don't care if its 25 years from now i will not ever be ok. I really wont. i know this and i have accepted it and there is nothing I can do about it. Sure I can go on with life, i can celebrate, i can have fun but Im not ok. I have been robbed of so much. i don't care how much time passes it doesn't get better after your child dies. He was my son, he was me. i grew him inside me, fed him, clothed him, bathed him, wiped his butt, took care of him when he was sick, made all his decisions. For 19 years my world revolved around him and his brother. He is my skin, blood, brain, DNA and everything else....... he is me..... That doesn't go away with time. Stupid, stupid time. Everyone says "give it time" it doesn't matter, the pain doesn't go away. You just adjust and learn how to cope. I'm adjusting to life with out my son, period. My Mick is gone....
I (unlike allot of mothers i have met) have wonderful support around me. My husband Chris, my son Ray, my future DIL Brianne and her parents, my daughter Katrina and my cousin Tina. All are here for me 24/7. Not to mention a bunch more that i know i can call on at any moment.
My husband is just the greatest person I have ever met. He really is. He doesn't think i need to get over it, he doesn't avoid talking about Mick. He doesn't tell me "you'll be ok" he just wants to be there for me. that's it. He loves me and wants to take care of me, that's it. I have met so many who's husbands have walked away or don't let them be what they have to be. i don't understand that at all. Chris would never tell me to put Micks pictures away or that I need to let go. He lets me do what i need to do, even if it looks totally insane, if it helps me get through another day he helps me do it. he helps watch over Ray and loves him so much as if Ray was his flesh and blood.
i have met so many moms that just don't have anyone. I would love to change that one day. I would love to help moms and dads and families that just don't have anywhere to turn. if i have to live with this i should at least try to help people and use my grief to help those thru theirs. One day maybe.....
Well Christmas came and went joyfully and painfully, i was with my family and new family and it was very nice. My new saying is "Mickey Christmas" and we got a 5 and a half foot Angel in out front yard and her harp says MICK! He is my own personal angel now. She glows brightly and beautifully just like he did. Not sure if I can take her down yet....
the anxiety of New Years Day was grueling. The week before, i couldn't sleep, i was nervous and sick to my stomach. I cant believe its been a year. So unreal.... Everything happening seemed to be just like the year before, i hated it, it was like dejavu. I did what i could to make it different. Ray and Brianne spent the whole weekend at our house =) we rang in 2012 together, relaxing, laughing and hurting. we all went outside at midnight and Kat banged on pans and was so excited. Rays BFF forever Luis and his gf Nikki literally showed up 30 seconds to midnight. They brought me the most beautiful roses, they still have a great fragrance in my home. We all went to bed around 1am. I woke up at 3:30 to talk to Mick as the time of his death was 3:38am and i wanted to be awake for him and be there for him since i wasn't when he was killed.
The next day the plan was to go to the beach for lunch and to toss some roses into the ocean for Mick. Chris, myself, Kat, Ray, Brianne, Cindy and Ian (Brianne's Parents) got to the beach and saw 8 dolphins swimming off the pier, we didn't have to wait for a table and the food was awesome. After lunch we went walking and ran into our friend Marcela, Chris said they were suppose to meet us for lunch but were running late and were meeting us now. Shannan and Amanda were meeting us too. So after more walking I saw Chris' cousin Laura. HUH? I thought.... Then Chris told me they had put together a small gathering for Mick. i saw some of his friends and mine. I was so shocked, i was so hard to hold back the tears!!! i swallowed them and greeted everyone. it was so sweet!! i was spinning, once again a little brighter my day was made. We all relaxed and hung out on the beach. Then at sunset we all walked to the water and tossed a white rose in for My Mick. It hurt so much, i couldn't hold back that time. Ray came and hugged me and all i said was "this is such bullshit" and he said "yep it is" we hugged and sighed. I love my Ray.... After some reflection time we decided to head home, it was getting cold and we were hungry. It was officially a year since my baby was taken from me. I made it thru the 1st year.... i miss you Mick... so unreal....
Next came Thanksgiving, I was thinking of Mick, he just liked turkey and mashed potato's thats it. We had dinner at ray and Brianne's new place. It was really nice and calm.
Day to day is ok, some days i cry for no reason, other days I don't cry, i just get angry and then cry all day the next day. My doctor put me on some stomach medication because I was developing an ulcer. She asked me "have you been under any stress" what an understatement. I looked at her and broke down crying. I told her through my tears that my Mick was gone. She was very sweet and asked why i didn't tell her this the last 3 times i had seen her. We talked about things for awhile and i left for home. Its so unreal to have to explain that your child is gone. I just never saw myself having to do that. This sort of thing doesn't happen to me. I was meant to see both my sons grow up.
I smile, i joke, i have fun, but there is always this giant weight on my chest. I can laugh so hard at something and then take a breath and think "my Mick is gone" then start over again. Its just something that hovers over you. It will never go away. Its so hard when people say "you will be ok, you will get better" but you know what? No i never will. I don't care if its 25 years from now i will not ever be ok. I really wont. i know this and i have accepted it and there is nothing I can do about it. Sure I can go on with life, i can celebrate, i can have fun but Im not ok. I have been robbed of so much. i don't care how much time passes it doesn't get better after your child dies. He was my son, he was me. i grew him inside me, fed him, clothed him, bathed him, wiped his butt, took care of him when he was sick, made all his decisions. For 19 years my world revolved around him and his brother. He is my skin, blood, brain, DNA and everything else....... he is me..... That doesn't go away with time. Stupid, stupid time. Everyone says "give it time" it doesn't matter, the pain doesn't go away. You just adjust and learn how to cope. I'm adjusting to life with out my son, period. My Mick is gone....
I (unlike allot of mothers i have met) have wonderful support around me. My husband Chris, my son Ray, my future DIL Brianne and her parents, my daughter Katrina and my cousin Tina. All are here for me 24/7. Not to mention a bunch more that i know i can call on at any moment.
My husband is just the greatest person I have ever met. He really is. He doesn't think i need to get over it, he doesn't avoid talking about Mick. He doesn't tell me "you'll be ok" he just wants to be there for me. that's it. He loves me and wants to take care of me, that's it. I have met so many who's husbands have walked away or don't let them be what they have to be. i don't understand that at all. Chris would never tell me to put Micks pictures away or that I need to let go. He lets me do what i need to do, even if it looks totally insane, if it helps me get through another day he helps me do it. he helps watch over Ray and loves him so much as if Ray was his flesh and blood.
i have met so many moms that just don't have anyone. I would love to change that one day. I would love to help moms and dads and families that just don't have anywhere to turn. if i have to live with this i should at least try to help people and use my grief to help those thru theirs. One day maybe.....
Well Christmas came and went joyfully and painfully, i was with my family and new family and it was very nice. My new saying is "Mickey Christmas" and we got a 5 and a half foot Angel in out front yard and her harp says MICK! He is my own personal angel now. She glows brightly and beautifully just like he did. Not sure if I can take her down yet....
the anxiety of New Years Day was grueling. The week before, i couldn't sleep, i was nervous and sick to my stomach. I cant believe its been a year. So unreal.... Everything happening seemed to be just like the year before, i hated it, it was like dejavu. I did what i could to make it different. Ray and Brianne spent the whole weekend at our house =) we rang in 2012 together, relaxing, laughing and hurting. we all went outside at midnight and Kat banged on pans and was so excited. Rays BFF forever Luis and his gf Nikki literally showed up 30 seconds to midnight. They brought me the most beautiful roses, they still have a great fragrance in my home. We all went to bed around 1am. I woke up at 3:30 to talk to Mick as the time of his death was 3:38am and i wanted to be awake for him and be there for him since i wasn't when he was killed.
The next day the plan was to go to the beach for lunch and to toss some roses into the ocean for Mick. Chris, myself, Kat, Ray, Brianne, Cindy and Ian (Brianne's Parents) got to the beach and saw 8 dolphins swimming off the pier, we didn't have to wait for a table and the food was awesome. After lunch we went walking and ran into our friend Marcela, Chris said they were suppose to meet us for lunch but were running late and were meeting us now. Shannan and Amanda were meeting us too. So after more walking I saw Chris' cousin Laura. HUH? I thought.... Then Chris told me they had put together a small gathering for Mick. i saw some of his friends and mine. I was so shocked, i was so hard to hold back the tears!!! i swallowed them and greeted everyone. it was so sweet!! i was spinning, once again a little brighter my day was made. We all relaxed and hung out on the beach. Then at sunset we all walked to the water and tossed a white rose in for My Mick. It hurt so much, i couldn't hold back that time. Ray came and hugged me and all i said was "this is such bullshit" and he said "yep it is" we hugged and sighed. I love my Ray.... After some reflection time we decided to head home, it was getting cold and we were hungry. It was officially a year since my baby was taken from me. I made it thru the 1st year.... i miss you Mick... so unreal....
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