February 1st came quickly, a month had gone by since my Mick was taken from me. It was such a hard day. Everything is so different now, I have a year of "firsts" ahead of me. So many tell me how "strong" I am, how I am handling this so well. Im really not. I miss my son and I miss my boys being together. That was so important to me, my boys being together. I look at Micks Urn and I struggle with the fact that he is in there. Its so unreal and un natural. I breakdown many times everyday and have angry moments. I want to talk about my Mick and hear him talked about. One of the biggest fears a grieving mother has is that her child will be forgotten. I will not allow Mick to be forgotten. I will do everything in my power to make sure that never happens. Valentines was a hard day, I love my husband and wanted us to have a good day together which we did. I gave Katrina, Ray, Brianne and Shannan a gift and I got Mick fresh roses and a balloon. The day went well. Before we knew it February was over and March 1st was here. The 1st of the month is so hard, I dread it. I am a wreck the day before and he day after. We went to Chris' company party on the 27th. It was the first "party" we had been to since his death. It was fun, we danced and drank a little to much. I should say I did anyways. But it felt good to let loose a little. But the next morning i got the worst rush of guilt and pain. How could I of had fun? My Mick was gone and Im partying? It was horrible. I was so depressed and hurt. I regretted going at all. Chris helped me get through that pain and move forward. I didnt want to go out much after that though. I like the comfort of home or being close to home.
March was especially hard because I knew his birthday was in 20 days. His big 20th birthday that he so looked forward too. I wanted to make it a special day for Ray and Katrina. A day of celebrating him and remembering him. We were planning on going to the beach again and having lunch. It rained from the moment we woke up that day. But that wasnt how Mick birthday officially started. We were up at midnight, i was waiting so I could light his birthday candle. At the stroke of midnight (no joke) we heard a huge crash outside our house. The guy who lived at the end of our street was having a party and decided to take a spin on his dirt bike. He was drunk. He sped down our block at a high rate of speed and crashed into Micks truck! Chris had been standing outside at the time and saw the whole thing. He went head first into the side of Micks truck. We all ran out and I kept thinking, "really? this is really happening?" My husband told me to stay on the porch and he and my mother in law ran to see what happened. The guy skid about 75 feet and was very injured and trying to get up. His bike was under Micks truck and the party was running up the street at us. It was a nightmare. We called an ambulance and tried to keep the chaos down to a minimum. Our neighbors came out to help and after everything died down and the guy was on his way to the hospital we went back inside. I was drained emotionally and couldnt believe this was the beginning of Micks birthday. The guy is alive and is in rehab. He was very lucky. I kept thinking that night "why?, why?" It was not how I wanted my sons birthday to start. We went to bed and woke up to the rain outside and knew we werent going to the beach. We stayed home and Micks friends Luis and Lacy came over. We watched movies, remembered Mick and had pizza. Chris and I went to the store to get a cake for Mick, we walked in the bakery and the first cake we saw was a lady bug cake!!! I was so happy, I knew it was my Mick letting me know he was with us. We sang Happy Birthday to Mick and I let Katrina blow out the candles. I gave everyone a little turtle as a gift. Mick loved turtles. I gave Ray a cool necklace and had "Ray and Mick" engraved on the front and "Best friends and Brothers forever" on the back. Ray really liked it. I was so happy! The rest of the night was quiet and relaxing. I made it through the day...
April 1st came and was again a sad day for me. I hate the 1st of the month. I was going to be going to Albuquerque in a few weeks for a friends birthday. I was so anxious and scared. i dont want to be there and I didnt want to leave my family. I needed to go, it was an important birthday for an important person. Plus I had to fly. I hate to fly especially alone. I got to the airport and my flight was delayed of course. The anxiety was setting in. Once on the plane I was ok, a little anxious but ok. I wasnt as afraid as I thought I would be. I arrived and hoped the weekend would go quickly. It didnt. It was a nightmare being back where he was killed. It was great to see friends, but I wanted to go home. While at my parents house I stayed in the guest room. Every night I would sleep with tv on and every morning i awoke to it being turned off. I asked my dad if he was turning it off and he said no. There was no program on it for a scheduled shut down either. This was a tv that u had to manually turn off by hand. Very old school. I still dont know who was turning it off. Could of been my grandma Charlie who passed away in that room or Mick. Or I dont know. All i know is every morning it was off. Still puzzles me!
Finally it was time to go home. I got to the airport and wasnt scared to fly home, I was excited. i couldnt wait to see Chris, Ray, Katrina and Brianne. Ray was picking me up from the airport too! And for the first time ever flying I watch the plane take off, I looked out the window and watched the clouds and watched as we landed and never was scared. I thought to myself, I am not afraid of dieing because If I was to die on this plane I will see Mick again and if I survived I get to be back home with those I love.
Everyday is a struggle, everyday is sad, everyday comes with dark thoughts and feelings. But everyday I feel the love from my family and friends and everyday I feel Mick around me. Everyday I keep going and wishing I could change things but knowing that I cant.
