Here we are 14 months since Mick was taken from us. He will be 21 on March 20th. So many memories of talking about his 21st bday. All his plans, hopes and craziness. I always thought to myself "Mick in a bar? Scary" He is so out going, silly and ready for a dare.... The bars chicks wouldnt know what hit them. But i will never hear those stories, they are taken from me. I cant believe he has been gone 14 months. This is the 2nd birthday that i will celebrate without him. Last year we watched movies, ate pizza and had cake. This year i hope it doesnt rain so we can go to the beach. I love it there so peaceful and beautiful. The pain is so real, not having him here with me. I mean he was my baby boy, my sweet mamas boy. He always knew how to get what he wanted. From anyone not just me.... Mick and Ray just have that smile that you cant say no too. You know the kind i mean... There smiles just melt you and you give in...
My heart is so heavy, i feel like it weighs a 100 pounds. It hurts, aches and swirls. How am i so happy and lucky to have my life but have such a hole in it at the same time. The fog in my head is gone, and now i am just aware and its unreal. It doesnt get better, it just gets easier to hide the pain. Dont get me wrong i am a happy person, if i wasnt id probley be dead. Sorry if that shocks you but its true. I dont think i could make it through all this if i wasnt happy. My happiness is what keeps me going. My husband Chris, Ray and Kat. They are my daily fuel to get up and move. To smile and laugh. Mick helps too, he knows just when to give me a lil sign. I know he is here right now as i write this.
I got some closure from his death, not all but some... Im thankful for that. The anger comes out at times, usually when im alone, i dont know why. i have obsession on how to "do" things for him now that i cant "do" things for him. I try to focus on Ray and his happiness and his coming soon wedding. Katrina is such a light for me. She makes me smile. Chris, my rock, he keeps me together and picks up the pieces when i fall. I wish all grieving mothers had that. It does help.
Sometimes I just cant believe he is gone.... I think its a bad dream and i just cant wake up. Wouldnt that be great! If i could just wake up and it be Dec 31, 2010... And everything was good. Mick is coming home were gona have a party and everything is wonderful. He will be Rays best man and get really crazy on the dance floor at his wedding. He would dance with Brianne and joke that he let Ray have her... lol he would hit on all her friends and be his crazy self. I never got to dance with Mick, something i always wanted. he thought it was weird lol. He didnt think i should be dancing.. lol he was so funny.
I wish that i knew this heartache would go away but i know it never will. I have to live with it and hope to whoever, whatever and wherever that i dont have anymore added in my life.... I just dont know what kind of person i would become.
