The day of Micks.......

The morning of Micks "funeral, service, mass, rosary"  I don't know what to call it, i cant say the word funeral.  i really cant, i refuse to believe that i had a funeral for my son.  I don't know what to call that day except a nightmare.  We woke up and got ready, I wanted to look nice, i thought Mick deserved that and I wasn't going to be a side show for anyone.  I hate to be so negative but I am.  I feel like some people were waiting to see me break.  We told Micks friends to dress as they would any other day.  Mick was not big on getting super dressed up unless it was a tux.  He loved to wear a tux!  When we were all ready to go we headed to the church.  I carried Micks urn and just kept thinking "this is not real, its just not".  I couldn't cry, I wasn't going to cry, I needed to be aware and ready for anything.  I don't know why but that's what I felt.  We arrived at the church and no one was around at first.  I remember we got out and walked into the reception hall.  i was holding Mick and felt confused and unsure of what to do.  Then we walked over to the church and I placed Mick on a table in front of the altar.  Katrina, Chris and I walked to look at the beautiful flowers that had been sent.  Katrina picked a beautiful rose and we decided to lay it next to Micks picture.  I remember the church door opening and Chris' best friend Andre walked in.  We were so surprised!  We had no idea he was coming in from California.  I know it made my husband happy to have his friend there. I felt the love that Andre had for us.  People were arriving, people I hadn't seen in 15 years or more.  I was spinning!  I told Chris I didn't want to be in the church for the rosary.  i just couldn't, it wasn't right, I was angry and i felt like not being in there made it not real.  We waited in the reception hall and looked at a dvd that was made of Mick.  It had many pictures of him as a little boy.  In one recent picture Mick was smoking a cigarette and I thought "WHAT"  Mick smoked!  I did not know.  He hid it from me because he knew i would not be happy.  That made me mad and happy at the same time.  He didn't want to disappoint me.  It let me know that what I thought did matter to him very much.  I don't know if you understand that but that's how I felt.  It was so hard to look at these pictures of Mick and know I would never take any new ones.  After a little while someone came in and said we needed to come into the church.  I didn't want to but went.  We walked through the crowd and made it to the front.  Still in denial that this is real, i hugged and said thank you to many, many people.  I can remember some and not others.  I felt like i was at a party and was just saying hello to guests.  It was not because my son had died.  I tried to be as if everything was ok.  Asked how people were, said it was good to see them.  Tried not to acknowledge the look of sadness on their face.  I don't remember half of what I said.  The priest came out and gave a very nice mass.  My cousin read a letter for me to everyone, thanking them and telling them we had no ill will against those that were involved in Micks death.  That was important to me.  i don't hate anyone and I don't blame anyone.  I feel so sorry for those involved, they took my beautiful son from me and they have to live with that.  That is a terrible thing to live with.  i don't wish it on them or anyone.  A lady named Paula that Mick had met and really liked played Fur Elise from Beethoven.  I couldn't remember the song when she first said what she was going to play and then she started to play it and it was like a rush to my heart!  i loved hearing that tune and i remembered Mick playing it every time he got near a piano. She is a very nice lady and Mick really liked her allot and for that I thank her.  After the mass, the priest had Micks dad and family carry Mick outside.  I remember at first thinking "HEY!  I'm his mother, why are they carrying him out?  Why are you putting your back to me!  I matter too here!  What about his brother and sister and step father?!!"  Then all of a sudden I felt a calmness and thought its ok, let them have some time with him before I take him home. 
i daydreamed allot  during the mass, I think I was displacing myself from the reality.  I kept thinking about what we needed to do when we get home.  Is that wrong?  I did not want to focus on what was really happening.  We walked outside and i kept my head down and felt a rush of reality.  I should be doing this at Micks wedding!!!  This is all wrong! Then we got outside and his dad had arranged to have doves released in his honor.  i did not know this was planned and honestly thought it was weird.  I don't know why.  Is it wrong of me to say that? I just stood there like a spectator.  The poem that was read had nothing to do with Mick.   It did not remind me of him or anything he would of said or did.  It was a general poem that is read at all funerals that release the doves.  It was pretty but I felt Mick was original and most likely would of thought it was funny to do that. I'm not trying to be mean, it just wasn't what I would of chosen to do. I DID know that Katrina loved the doves, she thought it was so neat when they were released.  i remember thinking "what do the doves do now?  Are they free?  Do they know how to survive on their own?  Sounds silly but I did.   Ray and Brianne stayed by my side and Chris behind me, my walls to lean on.  i looked around and felt like I was lost.  I have never felt so out of place.  We didn't belong here, this wasn't for us or Mick.  It wasn't real, it just wasn't real to me.  It was time to walk to the reception, again this should of been for his wedding or his college graduation.  We walked in and I saw so many people, all here for Mick but I felt  so out of place.  They kept telling me "go eat, so others can eat."  Let them eat, I don't wanna eat.  Why are they waiting!!!  We placed Mick on a table and had pictures around him. I'm not sure people noticed he was there.  I talked to some old friends and family i hadn't seen in a long time.  Every time i would stop a line would form.  I tried to talk to everyone and not brush anyone off.  It was hard and I appreciate everyone caring enough to come.  But again, it wasn't real to me.  I was still in shock and was on auto pilot. Chris stayed by my side and we talked to so many people.  Ray and Brianne watched Katrina and kept themselves busy.  At the end of the day, Micks friends helped clean up the hall and then we all went to my moms for a little while before they headed out back to California.  Such good kids that loved My Mick and love My Ray, there were there for him too.  We got home and I put Kat down for a nap and rested a little myself.  The rest of the night was quiet and a bit of a blur again.  We had made it through the day and it was time to get ready to go home and take Mick with us.  He was coming home. 

The first week with out My Mick.

Waking up that first morning after Mick was taken from me was unreal.  I opened my eyes to a blurr of tears.  I dont think I myself remembered what happened but my body did.  I shook and cried and like i got another sledghammer to the gut and I rememebered my beautiful baby boy was gone.  I got up, showered, dressed and ate.  Walking in a state of shock not really sure what to do.  Where do we begin?  Who do we call?  Should someone be calling me?  Thinking of my Mick, where is he?  Who is with him?  Is he alone?  I just waited and waied for him to call and say "sorry mom it was all a bad mistake, it wasnt me"  That call never came.  I rememeber so many times watchng the news and seeing reports of people killed in accidents and robberies.  Feeling so sorry for their loss.  I use to think how do these poor mothers deal with this being on the news?  Do these reporters and stations think of the familes who have lost their loved one?  Well all my questions were answerd in one shot.  I saw the first report on Mick and what happened.  It was like a bad dream, how could that be my son they are talking about?  Seeing the police cars and people standing around at the scene.  Again, how could this be about my son?  Then the idiot on tv called him Lawrence!  Lawrence???  I thought "what!"  thats not his name, thats not even close to his name!  Where did they get Lawrence?  Over and over he kep saying Lawrence.  I looked around the room and saw the disgust on my families face and how no one but my husband could look at me.  He held my hand and we just looked at each other.  Then they kept talking about how they were doing toxicology reports on Mick to see if he was drunk or on drugs.  What do you think, I thought, it was New Years Eve you were probably drunk!!  Why do you need to make my son sound so bad?  He was a good boy.  Then my dad put another station on and they at least got his name right.  I have a hard time watching the news, I dont like it.  They are worried about stories and drama and will make it sound as bad as possible because thats what people want to hear.  I dont watch the news anymore.  The rest of the day is a bit of a blur, I rememeber people coming over and feeling like I wanted to dig a hole and hide.  The look on everyones face when they saw me, everyone had he same look.  I thought to myself I am ruining everyones New Year.  Thats all I could think.  I dont know why.  That day Mick and Rays good friends came into town from Ca.  I was so surprised that they came all that way to be with Ray.  I loved it.  On Monday i got a call from the Medical Examiner assistant. her name was April and she was very nice to me.  She had some questions about Mick and needed me to help id him.  She asked me about Mick, about his tattoos and piercings.  I asked her if I could see him, she replied so sweetly " you are his mother and you need to remember him as your son Mick alive"  She said no mother should have to see her baby like this so please keep him the way you rememebr him"  I said ok and thank you.  She told me if a person who has died has markings that can id them then she likes to do it that way.  She said nicely "your son has many nice tattoos, tell me about them."  I said well he has gotten more that i hadnt seen yet but my favorite is the tree on his side.  She said yes I see it, it is very nice.  It was like I was showing her pictures of him for fun and not to make sure that was my son who had died.    We talked a little longer and she said she would be calling back later to ask me a few other questions.  I hung up the phone and took a deep breath and went to tell Chris what she said.  There are so many questions that have to be answere when someone is killed.  Was it suicide was one that i was asked, i said no, no way, My Mick had plenty of plans ahead of him.  I said we were planning his birthday party and he was going to attend school.  She aggreed, it was not suicide.  What a relief I thought.  Mick would never do that to me, I know it.  The rest of that day was spent sitting quietly and waiting for them to release Mick.  I never knew there were so many procedures that needed to be followed.  I couldnt wait, I hated my son being alone and cold somewhere and I couldnt go pick him up.  I couldnt call him.  I couldnt see him.  All I could do was wait and wait some more. My parents wanted to help with his service, i told my mom to do what she wanted with her church and I told Chris we will plan our own celebration when we get home.  He agreed and now we just had to wait for them to release Mick.  Release my sons body, my son!  Why was this happening?  Why was my son taken from me?  What did I do wrong?  Why did this happen?  Swirls of questions in my head.  I went through my day a zombie, smiling when needed, crying when I couldnt hold back anymore.  Seeing family and friemds i hadnt seen in forever.  Finally on Tuesday I got the call that they were realeasing Mick to the funeral home.  We decided on cremation and that i was bringing him home with me.  We thought we would have his service on a Sat, so everyone could come.  So many of his friends were going to drive down from Ca, i couldnt believe it.  You see people Micks age and think they wouldnt care enough to put out such effort, but his friends did.  They loved him...Tuesday morning we had to go to the funeral home and make cremation arrangments.  We all sat in a room and were asked so many questions.  I had to pick out a prayer for him, the first page I turned to was "Remember Me"  It was a poem about spring and Mick was my spring baby.  I chose it without a thought.  While I was answering the funeral directors questions i looked at the file in front of me.  It was a plain brown file with Micks name on it and below it said the name of the funeral home.  I felt sick, why was my sons name on this file?  Again WHY?  I took a breath and continued on.  After answering the most stupid, unneccasary questions on earth it was time to pick his urn.  How do you pick an urn, style, color, material, what?  Am I suppose to think oh he will be comfortable in that one.....  How do i do this?  Well Mick made it easy for me, i walked in and saw this beautiful silver urn with a beautiful eagle on it.  Mick loved eagles and it matched a necklace Mick had perfectly.  This eagle necklace i had told Mick to leave with me when he went to visit his dad.  It was the exact same necklace.  i couldnt believe it.  I looked at my husband and said thats it, thats the one.  We were done.  Then I chose a necklace i saw at the funeral home.  You are suppose to put ashes of your loved  one in it but I chose to leave it as is.   Later that day Chris and  I went to the mall to have my necklace engraved, I had "My Mick" put on it.  The guy wasnt sure how long it would take and we needed to hurry and get back to the funeral home to drop off a picture i wanted cremated with Mick and they were closing soon.  Chris told the engraver what the reason behind the necklace was and he said ok 15 mins.  We came back 15 minuets later and the necklace was ready, Chris pulled put his wallet and the guy said nope, your all good  and Im so sorry for your loss.  Chris and I were stunned, Chris said i havent paid and the guy said no sir were all good here.  It was so sweet of him.  We were shown such kindness, from everyone.  Kindness that got us to the airport and  to Mick and brought Katrina along 3 days later and helped us get through another day.  I would love to say who they are but I do not have their permission but they know who they are.  Wed  morning we were leaving to fly and pick up Kat and we got the call that Mick was ready to be brought home.  I had to get Katrina so I aske Ray Anthony to pick up his brother.  He agreed, and went with my mom to pick him up.  He text me when they got Mick and he said I have him here right on my lap.  It was so sweet and so painfull at the same time.  We got Kat and headed back to Abq.  It was a long day after a long week and it was only Wed.  We arrived in late that night and I rememeber driving to my moms and thinking Mick is there, but not in the way I wanted him to be.  We got to my moms and we went to put Katrina to bed, i couldnt acknowledge Micks presence untill she was asleep in bed.  After we put her to sleep, i walked in the room where Mick urn was sitting, ever so quietly with a picture of him next to it and a candle.  It was like a dream (nightmare)my first thought was "Mick is in there"  how could my son, so beautiful and full of life be in that "thing"!   I made him, I raised him and I loved him.  This is what i am left with.  It wasnt fair!  I want to hold his hand, I want to kiss him!  Why is this happening!  The rest of the week was just waiting for Saturday.  The days were long and sad and it was so cold outside.  Having Katrina arond made it easier for us all.  Katrina, Ray and Brianne along with Lacy and Kyle stayed at the house playing music and trying to keep busy.  Chris and I went to get clothes to weaar on Sat and I thought I'm going to wear this to my sons funeral?  Again WHY?  Why is this happening? We all knew what was ahead of us but tried not to think about it.  Such a long week for us all. That Friday we took katrina to the mall and got her a pretty locket, we had it engraved "My Brother Mick'  she loved it.  She kept it on Micks urn and it is still there to this day.  We keep it open to show his picture.  She says he cant see if we close it.  She is so smart and sweet.  If it wasnt for Chris, Ray and Katrina I dont think I would make it through this.  I really dont. 

The call that changed my life

The morning of January 1st, 2011 started normal.  Katrina woke up first and came to our bed and quietly laid down next to me to watch cartoons.  I woke up and thought wow she actually slept in a little.  Chris then woke up and we all laid there for a few minuets talking about what to have for breakfast.  I had text Mick and Ray at midnight California time to say Happy New Year.  Ray had responded but Mick never did.  I thought of this and looked at my cell phone to see if he had text back yet.  He had not.  I looked at Chris and said Mick didn't text back and Chris gave me a "I'm sorry" look  and said he is probley still asleep.  I agreed.  A few moments later Chris" cell phone rang and I picked it up and saw it was my dad calling.  I handed it to Chris and knew it probley wasn't good news.  I thought why is he calling Chris???  Chris answered and i heard my dad say "if your next to Sabrina walk away"  my heart stopped and I felt very sick.  Chris walked into the other room and I of course followed.  i couldn't hear what was being said but Chris wouldn't look at me.  I tapped him on the shoulder and said "is it my mom?  Is she ok?  Whats wrong?"  I kept thinking in my head that my mom fell and broke her arm.  I have no idea why.  I never for a second thought it was Mick.  Chris hung up with my dad. (he told me later he actually pretended to still be on the call for 20 seconds before turning around to me).  I remember he was pale in the face, that's it.  I don't remember what he said.  I only remember feeling like I had been hit with a sledge hammer in the stomach.  I remember crying and saying no, its not true.  I was laying on the floor and Chris was holding me but I felt numb and confused.  Katrina sat on the bed and I do remember her pretty face looking so lost as to what was happening.  I kept thinking get up, its not true.  Its a blurr after that for awhile.  Chris then had to call Ray.  Chris my wonderful husband who had to put his grief aside to take care of us.  He had to tell me, Ray and Katrina that our loved Mick was gone.  He called Ray and as he told him what happened Rays phone died.  He only caught a bit of what Chris said.  When he called back, Chris again had to tell him Mick had been killed.  Rays girlfriend Brianne and he parents immediately brought Ray home to us.    Seeing my poor Rays face when he walked in my room is burned into my memory.  So shocked and sad, wide eyed and frowning.  We hugged each other very tight.  We could not believe our three was made a two.  We didn't know what to do.  We hugged and hugged, then Katrina and Chris came and we all hugged.  How our lives had just been shattered.  Katrina so bright and smart, wasn't sure what was happening at first.  Chris so sweetly explained to her what happened to her brother Mick.   She broke down and cried.  Her mom came to get her and take her home so we could start to think of what we needed to do.  We didn't want her to go but we knew it was best.  I kept thinking who do I call?  How do I tell them?  How do i say Mick is gone? 
The rest of that day is a blurr for me.  I remember bits and pieces, i remember the kindness of friends rushing to help us and be by our side.  Such sad kindness I had never known till that day and i will always be grateful for.  We had never met Brianne's wonderful parents before, when they came back over to drop off Brianne so she could be by Ray side when we went to be with Mick and it was as if we had always known each other. I can remember thinking, I cant believe this is how we are meeting but I felt so comfortable with them.  We then had to head to the airport to go and be with Mick.  It was a horrible feeling driving to the airport and feeling so lost and confused.  Was this for real?  When will I wake up?  Please let me wake up!  On the plane an elderly man was sat next to me and i thought "ugh wish he wasn't sitting here!"  Before the flight was over the elderly man looked at me very sweetly and said "I can tell you have lost someone you love and I am so sorry."  He was so sweet.  The rest of the night was quiet, we got to my mothers and went to sleep.  I fell asleep crying and thought its just a bad bad dream right?!  But I knew it wasn't.    

What tattoo would you get or have that would mark the memory of your child forever?

Hello everyone!  My name is Sabrina and I am a grieving mother.  I know that sounds strange to introduce myself like that but you either understand or you don't.   My son Mick was killed on January 1st, 2011.  Exactly 3 months, 12 days ago.  I have no problem knowing the time that has passed because it happened on the first.  The number 1 use to mean so much to me, it meant greatness, superiority, winning, the best!  Now the number 1 means loss, days of grieving, shock and despair.  1/1/11 numbers and dates that I hate to think about.  I dread the first and will most likely forever.  I am not going to talk about how my son was killed but about how he lived.  He was beautiful from the moment he was born.  A wonderful baby, who rarely ever cried or whined.  He grew into a funny, sweet, smart and handsome young man.  One that was liked by all that met him.  Even if they didn't like him at first they did soon after.  He was a wonderful son, brother, grandson and cousin.  He will never be a father, he will never grow old.  He is forever young something none of us should be.  My son loved tattoos, something he inherited from me I suppose, i have 12.  I want to get a tattoo for my son, in his honor.  Some that loved him already have.  Very beautiful tattoos that mean more to me than they will ever know.  The most beautiful though is the one his big brother Ray got, the week Mick was killed.  It is simple and sweet.  It just says "MICK"  doesn't need to say more, doesn't need any flash.  I love it and I know Mick does too.  I want to know more about the tattoos you have for your children.  If you are a grieving parent, sibling,grand parent, cousin, friend.  I want to know about your tattoo and why you chose it.  Send me pictures too, Id love to see them.  I will write ore about My Mick has time goes on.  i miss him and sharing him helps me.  Please pass on my blog to anyone who might want to read it. 


Sabrina