Mick's Life Celebration

On Jan 22nd we had Micks Life Celebration at the beach.  It was a beautiful day, we camped there at the beach and got up at 6am that morning.   Katrina, Chris and I walked down to watch the sun come up.  It was so beautiful, so peaceful.  Katrina ran in circles and was so excited to be there.  We needed to walk over to our spot to set up for Micks day.  I really felt like we were setting up for his birthday party.  We found a great spot, no one around and a perfect view of the ocean.  I have always loved the ocean and had many nice days at the ocean with my boys in California and Florida.  I feel so at peace there, so relaxing.  I began to set up, our friends Vivian and Ron camped with us and were helping to set up.  We put up a nice table and put Mick and all his pictures around and lots of fresh flowers and his artwork and art work his friend made him.  I made a few cd's with songs that he liked and some that made me think of him.  Katrina played in the sand and flew a kite.  We had bloody mary's and tried to relax while we waited for the celebration to begin.  Mick's girlfriend Angel, his cousin Gilbert and step brother Shea came out from Albuquerque.  I was excited to meet Angel, she meant allot to Mick.  As people began to arrive, i began to see how loved my Mick was.  So many came!  Its funny in these times.  People you think will come dont and those you didnt expect in a million years do.  So many friends Mick had and all were so devastated, so devastated.....  I felt so bad seeing these hard looking young men with tears in their eyes.  Telling me how my son inspired them, made them laugh and now made them cry.  Pretty young girls, crying and laughing at his baby pictures.  For a long time that day I stayed in the back watching, seeing who was there and how they were reacting.  I couldnt believe how many of his friends came...  People think that the younger generation has no feeling, that they dont care.  They do, they loved my son!!  I asked for his friends to bring a guitar and they did, one brought his bongo drums.  It was so neat.  Mick would of loved this...  I passes out little blocks of wood to everyone and a marker.  The idea was to write a message to Mick and then at sunset we would toss them into the bonfire so all the messages could be sent to him.  Mick friend Beverly had asked me to let her sing a song for Mick, I was so thrilled!  She said he would always tell her to sing so now she was going to just for him.  Before her song i wrote a letter to read to everyone I would like for you all to hear it too.

 For those of you that don’t know me I am Mick’s mom Sabrina.  On behalf of Mick, myself, my husband Chris and our son Ray and daughter Katrina we thank you so much for coming today.   It means so much to us to see how loved our Mick was by all of you. 

I wanted to tell you a little about my life with Mick.  He was a beautiful and easy going baby.  Never fussed much and always was smiling.  His legal name is Anthony Michael but while I was pregnant with him his brother Ray kept saying I had Mickey Mouse in my belly.  So 5 minuets after Mick was born and I held him for the first time I looked at him and said we will call him Mick.  So in a way his brother named him.  Ray and Mick were inseparable, best friends from the beginning.  They did nothing without each other and everyone knew if you invite one to do something his brother was coming too.  They loved each other very much.  If they fought I would ground them until they hugged and said I love you.  They would be so mad at each other and then be cracking up laughing 5 seconds later.  Ray, Mick and I were a great team and it was just the three of us for many, many years.  My boys were my best friends and whatever they liked I liked, from Teenage Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers to WWF Wrestling.  We would go camping, drive in movies or just a walk to the park.  Then when they were about 12 and 13 I met my wonderful husband Chris.  He changed our lives forever and we very easily became a family.  Then with the addition of Katrina we were complete.  We don’t call each other step dad, mom or step brother or sister.  Our love as a family was strong and we see each other as the real thing. 

  Something you might not know is that when Mick was about 5 years old he wanted to be a priest.  He really liked his catechism classes and thought it would be neat to be one.  Then he found out you can’t date or get married, so he said ok I will be a cop then.  He told me once that he could never find a girl like me so he could he just marry me?  That made me so happy, I will never forget that conversation.  I told him he would find love one day and she will be amazing.  He then told me that he would have 5 daughters so that I could take care of them.  When he was about 10 he use to say that he would be rich one day and would buy a big house for me, his wife and 5 daughters.  He then would joke that Ray could live in a box in the front yard.  Mick slept with me until he was 14.  Even if he had friends sleeping over he still ended up in my bed.  He didn’t care, he loved his mom and that’s all that mattered.   After I married Chris we would wake up sometimes and find Mick on the floor next to our bed.  It was very cute. 

Mick had a beautiful giggle, amazing smile, unique personality and was one heck of a dancer.  He performed in many musicals, including Chicago, Guys and Dolls and a remake of Michael Jacksons “Thriller”.  He was never shy and always was ready to put on a show.  His first time dancing in front of a crowd, I worried that he would be scared.  But of course he proved me wrong, he came running out and slid on his knees to the front of the stage and yelled “Hi Mom!”  The whole auditorium laughed.  I loved it!  Mick was also an amazing skateboarder, artist and was very poetic.    His talents were endless. 

Mick cared a lot about the people around him.  He acted tough, but he worried about people.  Many times he would come to me with a problem one of his friends had asking me what to do.  How to help a girl who was pregnant and didn’t know how to tell her parents.   A friend who expressed thoughts of suicide and needed help.   He was a caring, sweet young man that carried the weight of the world on his shoulders.  He always worried about me too.  If I didn’t answer my phone or came home late with out calling he would be so mad and waiting by the door.  I joked once and pretended to smoke a cigarette, Mick saw me and wouldn’t talk to me for 2 hours!   I then was lectured on how it wasn’t funny to him.

One of the last conversations I had with Mick was about his birthday in March.  He would be 20 on the 20^th.  He told me he wanted to have a big party and have all his family together.  I agreed and said if that’s what you want then we will do it!  He was very excited.  On January 8^th he had his whole family together in Albuquerque and now we have all his friends together here in California.  This is as big of a party that we could imagine giving him.  I want to celebrate my Mick and would love everyone to meet each other and talk about how Mick made an impact on their life.  Send good thoughts out and help the people involved in his death heal and know that we have no ill feelings towards them.  I know they are hurting too. 

My Mick was such a beautiful person inside and out.   He melted my heart with every smile and his voice was music to my ears and all the songs chosen to be played today have a special meaning or memory of our Mick.  I don’t know how life will be without him but I know he is all around me and always will be.  

I read my letter to everyone and loved hearing the giggles.   After I finished Beverly and a friend came up by Mick and sang "The Reason" from Hoobastank.  That was my song to my boys.  When i divorced their dad it hurt them so much but I did it for them, to give them a better life and see who i really was and who I wanted them to be.  It was so beautiful that she picked that song.  I was so happy that she did this for Mick.  It was beautiful.  

 During her song a lady bug landed on my nephew Gilberts cheek, so Ray got it and brought it to Chris and then to Katrina and finally to me.  I tried to give it back to Katrina but the lady bug would not leave me.  She kept coming back to me.  It was amazing, she sat on me for about 40mins before I put her on Mick flowers.  I didnt want her to get hurt.  I feel that Mick was the lady bug, he was with us and was comforting me, helping me through the evening.  Keeping me strong.  Ladybugs represent my love for Mick.  When I see a ladybug, I know my Mick is around. 

After Beverly sang I asked everyone to please toss their block in the fire and think of Mick.  I asked for everyone to meet someone they dont know and talk about Mick, share stories with each other.  It was a beautiful sunset that night all for my Mick.  I began to walk around and pass out the skateboards that were made for his celebration.  Mick and Rays friends came over a few nights beofore the celebration and made 300 mini boards.  Each board had a saying he would say or Micks name on it.  It was a perfect gift to remember him by.  I cant say enough how wonderful Micks friends are.  They are amazing.  When I walked around and talked to his friends they were so sad and caring towards me.  Ill never forget these 2 girls who showed up late and I walked up to say hi and give them a board.  I said Hi Im Mick mom and they both gasped and burst into tears.  They were so upset and gave me the biggest hugs.  They couldnt even talk to me.  I told them to smile and remember him and not to be so sad.  They agreed and walked away.  One boy came up to me and said Mick was a big inspiration to him, that every time he got down on himself Mick would cheer him up.  He hugged me and told me how awesome my sons were and that Mick is greatly missed and they would watch over Ray.  Another friend of his was crying so hard he was shaking, this guy looked so hard but was so soft.  He told me he loved Mick and that Micks death made him realize he wasnt indestructible and that he needed to shape his life up.  I said good, thats what I want to hear.  The rest of the night was peaceful, i am still to this day shocked at the turnout and the love, so much love for Mick.   So much love for Ray....  I listened to his friends play guitars and drums and sing.  It was beautiful.  I am so grateful to everyone that made it that night.  I know Mick was with us and was smiling.  We camped that night too, Chris and I were so tired and we went to bed around midnight.  I had not dreamed of Mick once since he died.  I woke up at 3:38 that morning (this is the time I think Mick passed away at)  I seem to awake at that time allot.  I went right back to sleep and was missing him so much.  I was visited by Mick that morning.  I had a dream that we were having a party for Mick and that we rented a big hall for the party.  When we got there Chris, Ray, Kat and I we walked in and the whole place was set up with couches!  We were told to sit at the front on a couch that only fit the four of us, I said "where is Mick suppose to sit, its his party!!!!"  I was very upset and then Mick tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around and he was smiling at me and was so calm and peaceful and he said "its ok mom, Im ok mom, dont worry, ok?  Im ok, dont worry about me" and then i woke up.  It was so real, he was so real!!!  He was beautiful and so calm.  He looked at me with his soft eyes and I felt he was worried about me.  I have not dreamed of him since and I so badly want to!!!  

The next morning we woke up and went to the ocean one more time and then headed home.  Ron and Vivian came over to help clean the camper and Vivian found a lady bug in the camper.  I was so happy and that really kicked in my lady bug obsession!  So many lady bugs all around me, real and not real.  I know its my baby boy saying hello.  I miss you Mick 

Going back to work

Time to go back to work.  My son died but life is still happening.  No one told the world to stop so that I could heal.  Being at home was getting me no where.  i am a person who needs normalcy, I need to be somewhat organized.  i knew the longer i stayed out, the more hiding in my home would become my normalcy. I could of stayed out longer, I could have hid in my house and not gone on.  No I couldnt!  That wouldnt be good for me or my family.  I am a recrutier for a national company.  I have to represent my company and seek out and interview candidates to hire into managment positions.  In other words I have to be peppy, smile and look my best and pay attension.  Hmmmmmm how the heck do i do that when my heart is broken and I have been crying for 2 weeks straight?  My boss asked me if i wanted her to let my co workers know what happened.  I said yes, i didnt want to come back and be asked how my vacation was or where have i been.  I told her if they know before I come back they can think about how they will approach me or how they will avoid me.  Its true because some have avoided me to this day.  But thats ok i get it, its hard and uncomfortable.  But on the other hand I have made new friends, people who I never spoke to before gave me condolences and i learned of pain they have endoured and now we are friends.  I also have wanted to punch peoples lights out for being ridiculous.  I actually was told my second day back " I know how you feel, I recently lost my dog and it is so painful"  WTF!  Are you seriously comparing the loss of my son to the loss of your DOG?  I didnt say a word, I smiled and walked away.  Closed my office door and laughed and cried and laughed again as to what an imbisol that person is!  I had to avoid this person for a long time because everytime i saw them they wanted to talk about their dead dog.  She has stopped and i can speak to her now but i am careful when i do.  Working was very hard, during interviews I would day dream of my son and not listen to what they were saying.  I was forgetting things and was so unorganized.  I cried constanltly, thank goodness i can shut my office door.  i have a picture of my sons on my desk and I stare at it and cry and then I take a breath and keep going.   I became obbsessed with books on the afterlife and comunication with the afterlife.  Anything i could read that let me know my son was ok and was around i read.  But i only read half of it.  If I didnt feel instant relief I went on to another one.  i was like a drug addict need a stronger drug everytime except it was books and websites not drugs.  I did find comfort with The Facebook page The Compationate Friends.  I have made many new friends with grieving mothers like myself and its a sad club that we belong to but it helps.  I had another visit from Mick at work, this one of many really knocked me out of my chair (literally)  I went to a ADC site and was going to read about people who have had signs from their loved ones.  The first story I went to was dated 1/1/11 (the day Mick was killed)  I opened it to read.  (First I should let you know that one of my biggest fears since Mick was killed was if he felt anything, did he suffer?  Did he know what was happening.  I was so afraid that he suffered and was in pain. It was so hard to think about him suffering.)  Well the first story I looked at was from a woman who lost her husband in a car accident.  Her husbands name was "Mick"...  (That is what made me fall out of my chair!)  Then she said she had been so worried that her husband suffered in his accident.  She worried of this like I did about my Mick.  Her husband came to her in a dream and told her he felt about half a second of pain and then he felt a calmness come over him,  he told her he was ok and not to worry.  He answered the question i wanted answered by Mick, his name was Mick and she wrote this on the day Mick died.  That was enough for me, I knew Mick was tellling me what i wanted to know.  i know he was.  i was so happy and relieved.  It was short lived but boy it felt great!  It was some relief for me i can say that.  I have had many visits from Mick at work.    Another was while I was on lunch I was making a song list for his life celebration.  I kept hearing the song Tears from heaven by Eric Clapton.  I heard that song almost everyday since Mick died.  If I turned on the radio it came on,  My good friend Vivian quoted the song on her fb after Mick died.  This song was all over me.  I did put it on the list.  But I thought, I wonder what the #1 song was the day Mick was born...  I know what your thinking and your wrong the #1 song was Someday by Mariah Carey.  But before I found that out i googled "#1 song on March 20 1991"  Well what came up made me have a break down and cry.  On March 20 1991 Eric Claptons 4 year old son was killed, he fell out of a window.  I never knew this happened on the day Mick was born.  Eric Clapton wrote Tears in Heaven for his son that was killed on the day my son was born.  No I dont think my son was his son reincarnated, but i do believe Micks dieing gave me a connection to that song.  Things tie togeather and I believe Mick has to find ways of letting me know he is here with me.  That song is one of them.  Being back at work helped me alott and hurts me to this day.  If i have to look up anything prior to 1/1/11 i break down.  If i see an email I wrote before 1/1/11 i break down.  It is part of my New Normal right now.  I dont look at anything prior to that date, I cant because all i think is my son was still alive when I got this or when I wrote this.  Its horrible.  But i work and I have good days and bad days and I just do what i have too. 

The first week home

I had the rest of the week off from work.  I wasn't sure what to do.  I set up an area under the window in our living room for Mick.  He needed to be in the living room, with us.  I was told I needed to get a niche for his urn, but I wasn't and still am not ready to do that.  When Mick was 5 he asked me "Mom, if you die can i keep you at home with me?"  He was always so afraid of me dieing and not being with him.  I knew home is where he wants to be.  I wanted him in the living room where we all are.  Where he would fall asleep on the couch and eat his meals in front of the tv.  We still had the Christmas tree up (I usually take it down on New Years morning).  That is where I wanted to place Mick, so for the time being I put him on my kitchen table and I hung his pictures and paintings on the wall and surrounded is urn with flowers.  I made a promise that day that he will always have fresh flowers and a candle burning, always....  Everyone says your to do this for the first year.  What is "the first year" does all this go away in a year?  No it doesn't, I will do this for life, this is my life now.  All I have to give Mick is fresh flowers and a burning candle.  It seemed so normal to be home but it so wasn't.  I cried off and on.  Ray seemed so out of sorts, I could see in his eyes his pain and confusion.  He and Brianne went to her house and we stayed home.  I was sitting on the couch, next to Chris and just kept thinking "this is it"  what do we do now?  Landry?  How do I continue my days with out my son?  I felt like I had lost and arm and had to learn how to do things all over again.  I decided it was time to plan his Life Celebration here in California. There would be no "funeral" here, we would celebrate him!  So many things rushed in my head, I was spinning.  I had to unpack his things and put them away, that was so hard.  To see his shirts that he would wear for a week and remember telling him "Mick you need to wash that and he would say Nah its still good"  My precious boys shirts and shorts.  His sweatshirt that smelled like him and his Urn is all I had left.  Most of the next few days are a blur.  Chris had to go back to work and Kat had to go to school.  Ray was starting a new job and had to deal with that.  I stayed home and tried to pull myself together so I could return to work the next week.   I put our Christmas things away and wondered what happened to Micks gifts that i sent him, I never got them back.  I sorted through pictures and searched for things I had of Micks here at home.  I set Mick up in a nice spot in the living room, under the window with the sun shinning on him.  Friends came to visit and we had so much good food to eat.  Brianne's parents and Shannan filled the house with flowers and candles, it was beautiful and smelled wonderful.  Reality checked in and out for me.  I went on a field trip with Katrina to see the play of Charlotte's Web.  I was scared but I needed to go.  I couldn't hide from the world.  It was fun and it let her know that things were gonna be ok.  No one said anything to me about Mick, I just got the smile with a head tilt.  I broke down during the play, thank goodness for the darkness.  I saw a little boy from another school who looked like Mick when he was small and he was bouncing up and down in his seat and I just broke.  No one noticed and I quiclkly took a breath and smiled.  The rest of the day was quiet and I just tried to keep my composure while out of the house.  When i got home I let it all out.  Kat would see me get sad and look at me and say "Mick?"  then walk over and give me a hug.  She is the best!  I got my first visit from Mick that week.  I was sitting next to his Urn and crying and not understanding why this happened.  i felt so weak and drained, the dark thoughts were at a high and i felt like giving up.  As i sat crying, i had my hand on the seat of the couch and i suddenly felt a heat on my hand and a squeeze.  I didn't move, i just sat quietly.  I knew it was Mick, I know it was Mick....  He was comforting me and I needed it. I talked to Mick allot, asking him to please come back to me.  Screaming at the top of my lungs to please come home.  I have always been a very positive person and never thought of dying as a good thing.  I wanted to die, when i thought of death I felt no fear only comfort.  i thought if I die right now, even if there is no afterlife and I don't see Mick, i at least wont hurt anymore.  This pain will go away.  Death was an answer to end my pain.  i cant describe the feeling of loneliness and despair.  I had so much to live for, how could i want to die?  What about my Ray and Chris and Katrina?  What about my parents and family and friends?  But in those moments you don't think of that.  I thought what good of a mother am I to Ray like this?  I let him down, I didn't protect his brother, how can i protect him?  It was my fault that Mick died, i did it all wrong.  I wanted to die.  The thought of pills was not scary to me.  I even thought how can i do this with minimal clean up for my family.  I didn't care if it hurt me, because no pain was worse than what I was feeling.  i wanted the reality of what happened to go away, I wanted to see Mick.  Honestly, the worst thing you can say to a parent that has lost a child is "you will see him again"  it is a gateway to dark thoughts.  "You will see him again one day, he will greet you when your time has come"  the rush in my heart that all I have to do is die  and I can see him?  Right now?  That's all I have to do and this pain and heartache will go away?     Scary and true, at least for me, that's what I thought.  But my dark thoughts were followed with "I cant do that to my Ray. i cant leave Chris and Katrina."  I had to tell myself how selfish it would be for me to leave them in their pain and add to it.  Mick would be so mad at me for doing that.  He didn't want to go, he was just starting to live.  I am not going to say that my dark thoughts don't still happen, that is normal.  But i know how to handle them, I just think of those i love and know I never want to hurt them or disappoint Mick. Its my job to keep his memory alive.  

Bringing Mick Home.....

We decided to take a train home instead of flying.  I was not going to check my sons urn with his ashes in it as baggage.  That was out of the question.  And I knew I could not take him on to the plane with me.  So a train was the only option.  I was happy to be going home and taking Mick with me, he needed to be home.  He never should of left.  We paked our things and prepared ourselves for the ride.  The last time we took a train we were all together.  Chris, me Kat, Ray and Mick.  It was so fun.  Here we were again, all togeather but was not fun.  I didnt know how to carry Mick on, I didnt want to just carry him and freak people out but i didnt want to just stick him in a bag either.  My mom gave me a really nice sunflower bag that was just the right size and Kat let me wrap him in her pink blanket.  I still didnt like it but it was a nice set up for him.  Walking into the train station, I felt as if everyone knew my sons urn was in the bag.  People stared and looked at all of us funny.  Maybe its just me but thats how I felt.  I couldnt wait to get to our cabin and relax.  We said our goodbyes to my parents and got on the train.  Katrina was so excited, she was ready for bed and it was only 5pm lol.  She loved the train and having our own cabin.  Sittting on the train gives you alot of time to think and I didnt need to think.  We relaxed and talked and laughed, looked at pictures of Mick and Ray and rememebered.  It was nice. After Kat went to sleep Chris and I had some quiet time alone.  We hadnt been alone in a week and Ray and Brianne were up in the top part of the train.  We hugged and just tried to relax. The next morning we arrived at the station and Andre picked us up.  It was nice to see him again.  We drove home quietly, i couldnt wait to get home and take Mick out of this bag.  I needed to get my son home.  I was so happy to be home and so devastated that my son came home in an urn.