I havent written in awhile..... Healing is a 24/7 job. I keep hearing that it gets better, id like to know when. So many things can set off a breakdown, even a simple little lady bug that you brush off your shoulder thinking its a mosquito. Hours of tears and shaking because you think "did I just push my son away? Did he send that to me and now thinks I dont care???" This is the insanity of grief. I dont have the comfort of screwing up and then being able to call him and apologize. My heart hurts so bad at times I cant breath. The Fourth of July was so hard. Mick loved fireworks, he was a bit of a pyro, lol. Seeing the explosions in the sky I thought "wow he has the best view from up there, I bet he is so excited" His girlfriend Angel was here visiting from Abq, she is a sweetheart and it means everything to me that this young girl spent her own money just to come out to Ca to visit a family she doesnt even know.... And you know why? Because my son meant something to her.... I dont care if they were only together for a short time she loves him, I can see it in her eyes. She was Micks Angel and now he is hers. I have heard from other grieving mothers how their sons girlfriends of a year or more have moved on after a few weeks and it hurts them as it would hurt me. I want and hope Angel meets a wonderful man that will treat her with love and respect. That is my wish for her.
I try so hard everyday to make it a good day. To smile not cry when I think of him, to look at his pictures and think of how handsome and sweet he is and not picture what happened to him. My beautiful, beautiful son who was crushed and thrown around like a rag doll. I want to look into his eyes and see that gleam, that sparkle they had. Sometimes all I can do is think of how hurt he was. Those were my eyes, that was my hair and lips everything about him was mine! I made him, how could this happen. If he had to die, if this was Gods plan like i keep hearing then why couldnt it of been while he was sleeping? Why did it have to be so bad that I could never look at him again??? Why?? What did I do so wrong that I am punished to never see my sons face again? Maybe we could of had an open casket and I could of kissed him on the cheek, his beautiful cheek! I could of held his hand and touched his hair. Why did it have to be so violent? I dont understand. Why hasnt anyone said they are sorry? Do they think "oh ya I killed a guy, I guess since I didnt mean too I dont need to say sorry." YES they do! I need an "Im sorry I killed your son!" asshole! But I know as everyday comes and goes that I will never get one. Not one out of 5 people can or will say it. When I bump someone at the store or I get in the way of someone Im suppose to say Im sorry, why dont they think they have too? I just dont understand.
Some days are good and some days are bad. Some are mixed and some are just sad.
I am in constant thought of my son, when we celebrate there is always something missing, My Ray just has this look in his eyes that a piece of him is gone. I hear so often now how much him and I look alike and how the never noticed before and I think "ya I know, it cause we both lost the same piece of our heart so we are sorta twins now"
In June Ray got engaged and it was beautiful. He proposed in New York while standing on a pier. A total stranger saw him and took pictures. I know why... That was all Mick, call me crazy but I know. Dont want to believe? I dont care. What total stranger looks at a couple and says "hmmm Im gona take a picture of them" That was Mick capturing the moment forever for them, for us and for himself. It is a beautiful picture and I cherish it. I thanked the woman who took it and asked why and she just said "something told her to do it." <3
This year has been so good and such a nightmare all in one. I just had my first bday without him and Rays first bday without him. Now the holidays are ahead and I dread them. But I also need them. I need to get past all these firsts, I need to create new traditions and Mick will be a part of them, not as a memorial but as he is still with us and will be apart of it because he will be there. There will be alot of tears and a lot of laughter, a lot of old memories and new memories made. I try to think of his one year angelversary, what will I do? Id like to sleep through the day and wake up on Jan 2nd, just pretend that this day doesnt exist. It has been almost 9 months since Mick was killed, 9 months. i cant believe it.
Some days I feel so normal for a minuet and then i get a rush, like I got punched in the stomach and I remember he is gone and I will never hold him again. It hurts more than the day I was told he had died. That day I was slapped with shock and disbelief. I am not in shock anymore, everything is crystal clear and it hurts. It hurts, it makes you sick and confused and angry. I cant concentrate on things, I forget things, I am in a daze at times. I hate it. The old me is gone and I miss her....
