Wow its been awhile and so much as changed..... Life is very different since you left us. Reading over what I wrote back in 2011-12 it doesn't even sound like me anymore. I don't know who that person was anymore. I guess I'm on a higher level of grief now and I know how to live without you. I don't want too but I know how too. I have too. I have another choice but that wouldn't be the right choice. So much has changed in 5 years. Mick your an Uncle now, Ray is a daddy! So unreal that you aren't physically apart of this. We even live in a different home in a different city. I know you know all this.... Why am I writing again after 5 years almost to the day? No idea why, I woke up and felt I needed too. I wasn't even sure I could find my blog, but I found it pretty easy. I'm sitting out back, looking at the sunshine and have been visited by a white butterfly twice, a humming bird and some sparrows. Our Pug Dolly is quietly laying next to me and Miles is laying in the sun. I look at my life and its just so perfect, I have everything I could ever want or need and I'm grateful so very grateful. But you are gone...... 7 Years in and its still not real. Its still a daily struggle to breathe but I do it. A lot has changed since you left Mick, a lot. We have let old friends go that we thought were forever friends, your grandpa Jerry is with you and grandma Charlie and I don't speak to your grandma and not sure when I will again. Its just where life has taken us. Chris and I are happy and strong together, he works so hard and keeps us on our feet. He really takes care of me, I know you know this. Katrina is just turning into the most beautiful young woman Ive ever seen. She so smart and wise, so very wise for her age. She talks about you often and still sleeps with you shirt hanging on her bed. Ray and Brianne are doing great and the babies are just the most wonderful amazing little creations ever to walk this earth! I love being a grandma. I think it fits me well. I still talk to you daily and wait for your response. Grief is different. I think I'm just use to the pain, its apart of me now. Its apart of my personality and my daily routine. I hate it bit it is what it is. Your birthday is coming again. You will be 27, your almost 30 Mick, I don't know what to do to celebrate you. I'm hoping you'll show me soon what to do.
I find myself thinking a lot, I don't know what I'm thinking but I'm fer sure thinking. I keep waiting for this AhHa moment to happen and that I will understand why everything is the way it is. But hasn't happened yet. I walk around doing what I need to do and imagining a different life with you in it. Would I have too much perfect in my life? Is this why I have to live without you? I just don't understand. I don't have any better a grasp on why you were killed I don't think I ever will.
You send me signs and I never doubt them, I know your here with me. I haven't dreamt of you in awhile though, could you please handle that? I need a hug from you. I hate hurting, I try not to but that's not a reality. When I think that until the day I die this is how heavy my heart will be its unreal.
I get so many wonderful signs from you, really flashy good ones sometimes lol they make me smile and then cry and then smile again. Your pretty good with signs that's fer sure. I don't think every thing is a sign either. I know when its you and when its not.
This is my favorite time of year, the weather is beautiful, things are blooming and the birds are singing loud. You are my spring baby, my bright shinning spring baby. Stella and I were playing outside last week and she was so wild, just like you and Ray always were. She ran around like a bird out of her cage and just soaked up all the sunshine. Stone sat on my lap and watched her, he would smile and I could see his excitement watching her. Soon enough he will be doing the same thing. Just like you and Ray they will be 2 peas in a pod. Katrina is so loving being an aunt too. She doesn't see them too often but Stella talk's about her all the time. Ray is doing so well in his career and living his dream and being a good dad. Brianne is such a good mommy and really works hard.
I cant help but think everyday where would you be? What would you be doing? I still hope for a knock on the door and seeing a young woman telling me she has your child. LOL you dated so much why couldn't there of been a little you left here in this world too. I guess you really listened when I told you to keep it wrapped lol. well I'm done for now, I'm starting to ramble. I love you Mick, lets get that dream going, okay?
Tuesday, March 6, 2018
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Here comes his birthday.....again.....
Here we are 14 months since Mick was taken from us. He will be 21 on March 20th. So many memories of talking about his 21st bday. All his plans, hopes and craziness. I always thought to myself "Mick in a bar? Scary" He is so out going, silly and ready for a dare.... The bars chicks wouldnt know what hit them. But i will never hear those stories, they are taken from me. I cant believe he has been gone 14 months. This is the 2nd birthday that i will celebrate without him. Last year we watched movies, ate pizza and had cake. This year i hope it doesnt rain so we can go to the beach. I love it there so peaceful and beautiful. The pain is so real, not having him here with me. I mean he was my baby boy, my sweet mamas boy. He always knew how to get what he wanted. From anyone not just me.... Mick and Ray just have that smile that you cant say no too. You know the kind i mean... There smiles just melt you and you give in...
My heart is so heavy, i feel like it weighs a 100 pounds. It hurts, aches and swirls. How am i so happy and lucky to have my life but have such a hole in it at the same time. The fog in my head is gone, and now i am just aware and its unreal. It doesnt get better, it just gets easier to hide the pain. Dont get me wrong i am a happy person, if i wasnt id probley be dead. Sorry if that shocks you but its true. I dont think i could make it through all this if i wasnt happy. My happiness is what keeps me going. My husband Chris, Ray and Kat. They are my daily fuel to get up and move. To smile and laugh. Mick helps too, he knows just when to give me a lil sign. I know he is here right now as i write this.
I got some closure from his death, not all but some... Im thankful for that. The anger comes out at times, usually when im alone, i dont know why. i have obsession on how to "do" things for him now that i cant "do" things for him. I try to focus on Ray and his happiness and his coming soon wedding. Katrina is such a light for me. She makes me smile. Chris, my rock, he keeps me together and picks up the pieces when i fall. I wish all grieving mothers had that. It does help.
Sometimes I just cant believe he is gone.... I think its a bad dream and i just cant wake up. Wouldnt that be great! If i could just wake up and it be Dec 31, 2010... And everything was good. Mick is coming home were gona have a party and everything is wonderful. He will be Rays best man and get really crazy on the dance floor at his wedding. He would dance with Brianne and joke that he let Ray have her... lol he would hit on all her friends and be his crazy self. I never got to dance with Mick, something i always wanted. he thought it was weird lol. He didnt think i should be dancing.. lol he was so funny.
I wish that i knew this heartache would go away but i know it never will. I have to live with it and hope to whoever, whatever and wherever that i dont have anymore added in my life.... I just dont know what kind of person i would become.
My heart is so heavy, i feel like it weighs a 100 pounds. It hurts, aches and swirls. How am i so happy and lucky to have my life but have such a hole in it at the same time. The fog in my head is gone, and now i am just aware and its unreal. It doesnt get better, it just gets easier to hide the pain. Dont get me wrong i am a happy person, if i wasnt id probley be dead. Sorry if that shocks you but its true. I dont think i could make it through all this if i wasnt happy. My happiness is what keeps me going. My husband Chris, Ray and Kat. They are my daily fuel to get up and move. To smile and laugh. Mick helps too, he knows just when to give me a lil sign. I know he is here right now as i write this.
I got some closure from his death, not all but some... Im thankful for that. The anger comes out at times, usually when im alone, i dont know why. i have obsession on how to "do" things for him now that i cant "do" things for him. I try to focus on Ray and his happiness and his coming soon wedding. Katrina is such a light for me. She makes me smile. Chris, my rock, he keeps me together and picks up the pieces when i fall. I wish all grieving mothers had that. It does help.
Sometimes I just cant believe he is gone.... I think its a bad dream and i just cant wake up. Wouldnt that be great! If i could just wake up and it be Dec 31, 2010... And everything was good. Mick is coming home were gona have a party and everything is wonderful. He will be Rays best man and get really crazy on the dance floor at his wedding. He would dance with Brianne and joke that he let Ray have her... lol he would hit on all her friends and be his crazy self. I never got to dance with Mick, something i always wanted. he thought it was weird lol. He didnt think i should be dancing.. lol he was so funny.
I wish that i knew this heartache would go away but i know it never will. I have to live with it and hope to whoever, whatever and wherever that i dont have anymore added in my life.... I just dont know what kind of person i would become.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Its been a year.....
I haven't written in awhile, feel like Ive been on another planet. Just to much in my head and so hard to speak. The last time i was here Ray and I had just had our birthdays. Halloween was next. it was a nice HHalloween. I didn't think I could really celebrate it but toward the end of the month I got very excited. We decorated a little and got Katrina all ready for the big day. She was Tangled Rapunzel. She was beautiful. Ray, Brianne, Cindy and Ian (Brianne's parents) Shannan and Amanda. I made cheese enchiladas and beans (Micks fav) I lite a special candle for Mick in addition to the one i have lit 24/7 since he was killed. I made a plate for Mick and placed it in front of his picture. It was a really nice night, i felt him with us as always.
Next came Thanksgiving, I was thinking of Mick, he just liked turkey and mashed potato's thats it. We had dinner at ray and Brianne's new place. It was really nice and calm.
Day to day is ok, some days i cry for no reason, other days I don't cry, i just get angry and then cry all day the next day. My doctor put me on some stomach medication because I was developing an ulcer. She asked me "have you been under any stress" what an understatement. I looked at her and broke down crying. I told her through my tears that my Mick was gone. She was very sweet and asked why i didn't tell her this the last 3 times i had seen her. We talked about things for awhile and i left for home. Its so unreal to have to explain that your child is gone. I just never saw myself having to do that. This sort of thing doesn't happen to me. I was meant to see both my sons grow up.
I smile, i joke, i have fun, but there is always this giant weight on my chest. I can laugh so hard at something and then take a breath and think "my Mick is gone" then start over again. Its just something that hovers over you. It will never go away. Its so hard when people say "you will be ok, you will get better" but you know what? No i never will. I don't care if its 25 years from now i will not ever be ok. I really wont. i know this and i have accepted it and there is nothing I can do about it. Sure I can go on with life, i can celebrate, i can have fun but Im not ok. I have been robbed of so much. i don't care how much time passes it doesn't get better after your child dies. He was my son, he was me. i grew him inside me, fed him, clothed him, bathed him, wiped his butt, took care of him when he was sick, made all his decisions. For 19 years my world revolved around him and his brother. He is my skin, blood, brain, DNA and everything else....... he is me..... That doesn't go away with time. Stupid, stupid time. Everyone says "give it time" it doesn't matter, the pain doesn't go away. You just adjust and learn how to cope. I'm adjusting to life with out my son, period. My Mick is gone....
I (unlike allot of mothers i have met) have wonderful support around me. My husband Chris, my son Ray, my future DIL Brianne and her parents, my daughter Katrina and my cousin Tina. All are here for me 24/7. Not to mention a bunch more that i know i can call on at any moment.
My husband is just the greatest person I have ever met. He really is. He doesn't think i need to get over it, he doesn't avoid talking about Mick. He doesn't tell me "you'll be ok" he just wants to be there for me. that's it. He loves me and wants to take care of me, that's it. I have met so many who's husbands have walked away or don't let them be what they have to be. i don't understand that at all. Chris would never tell me to put Micks pictures away or that I need to let go. He lets me do what i need to do, even if it looks totally insane, if it helps me get through another day he helps me do it. he helps watch over Ray and loves him so much as if Ray was his flesh and blood.
i have met so many moms that just don't have anyone. I would love to change that one day. I would love to help moms and dads and families that just don't have anywhere to turn. if i have to live with this i should at least try to help people and use my grief to help those thru theirs. One day maybe.....
Well Christmas came and went joyfully and painfully, i was with my family and new family and it was very nice. My new saying is "Mickey Christmas" and we got a 5 and a half foot Angel in out front yard and her harp says MICK! He is my own personal angel now. She glows brightly and beautifully just like he did. Not sure if I can take her down yet....
the anxiety of New Years Day was grueling. The week before, i couldn't sleep, i was nervous and sick to my stomach. I cant believe its been a year. So unreal.... Everything happening seemed to be just like the year before, i hated it, it was like dejavu. I did what i could to make it different. Ray and Brianne spent the whole weekend at our house =) we rang in 2012 together, relaxing, laughing and hurting. we all went outside at midnight and Kat banged on pans and was so excited. Rays BFF forever Luis and his gf Nikki literally showed up 30 seconds to midnight. They brought me the most beautiful roses, they still have a great fragrance in my home. We all went to bed around 1am. I woke up at 3:30 to talk to Mick as the time of his death was 3:38am and i wanted to be awake for him and be there for him since i wasn't when he was killed.
The next day the plan was to go to the beach for lunch and to toss some roses into the ocean for Mick. Chris, myself, Kat, Ray, Brianne, Cindy and Ian (Brianne's Parents) got to the beach and saw 8 dolphins swimming off the pier, we didn't have to wait for a table and the food was awesome. After lunch we went walking and ran into our friend Marcela, Chris said they were suppose to meet us for lunch but were running late and were meeting us now. Shannan and Amanda were meeting us too. So after more walking I saw Chris' cousin Laura. HUH? I thought.... Then Chris told me they had put together a small gathering for Mick. i saw some of his friends and mine. I was so shocked, i was so hard to hold back the tears!!! i swallowed them and greeted everyone. it was so sweet!! i was spinning, once again a little brighter my day was made. We all relaxed and hung out on the beach. Then at sunset we all walked to the water and tossed a white rose in for My Mick. It hurt so much, i couldn't hold back that time. Ray came and hugged me and all i said was "this is such bullshit" and he said "yep it is" we hugged and sighed. I love my Ray.... After some reflection time we decided to head home, it was getting cold and we were hungry. It was officially a year since my baby was taken from me. I made it thru the 1st year.... i miss you Mick... so unreal....
Next came Thanksgiving, I was thinking of Mick, he just liked turkey and mashed potato's thats it. We had dinner at ray and Brianne's new place. It was really nice and calm.
Day to day is ok, some days i cry for no reason, other days I don't cry, i just get angry and then cry all day the next day. My doctor put me on some stomach medication because I was developing an ulcer. She asked me "have you been under any stress" what an understatement. I looked at her and broke down crying. I told her through my tears that my Mick was gone. She was very sweet and asked why i didn't tell her this the last 3 times i had seen her. We talked about things for awhile and i left for home. Its so unreal to have to explain that your child is gone. I just never saw myself having to do that. This sort of thing doesn't happen to me. I was meant to see both my sons grow up.
I smile, i joke, i have fun, but there is always this giant weight on my chest. I can laugh so hard at something and then take a breath and think "my Mick is gone" then start over again. Its just something that hovers over you. It will never go away. Its so hard when people say "you will be ok, you will get better" but you know what? No i never will. I don't care if its 25 years from now i will not ever be ok. I really wont. i know this and i have accepted it and there is nothing I can do about it. Sure I can go on with life, i can celebrate, i can have fun but Im not ok. I have been robbed of so much. i don't care how much time passes it doesn't get better after your child dies. He was my son, he was me. i grew him inside me, fed him, clothed him, bathed him, wiped his butt, took care of him when he was sick, made all his decisions. For 19 years my world revolved around him and his brother. He is my skin, blood, brain, DNA and everything else....... he is me..... That doesn't go away with time. Stupid, stupid time. Everyone says "give it time" it doesn't matter, the pain doesn't go away. You just adjust and learn how to cope. I'm adjusting to life with out my son, period. My Mick is gone....
I (unlike allot of mothers i have met) have wonderful support around me. My husband Chris, my son Ray, my future DIL Brianne and her parents, my daughter Katrina and my cousin Tina. All are here for me 24/7. Not to mention a bunch more that i know i can call on at any moment.
My husband is just the greatest person I have ever met. He really is. He doesn't think i need to get over it, he doesn't avoid talking about Mick. He doesn't tell me "you'll be ok" he just wants to be there for me. that's it. He loves me and wants to take care of me, that's it. I have met so many who's husbands have walked away or don't let them be what they have to be. i don't understand that at all. Chris would never tell me to put Micks pictures away or that I need to let go. He lets me do what i need to do, even if it looks totally insane, if it helps me get through another day he helps me do it. he helps watch over Ray and loves him so much as if Ray was his flesh and blood.
i have met so many moms that just don't have anyone. I would love to change that one day. I would love to help moms and dads and families that just don't have anywhere to turn. if i have to live with this i should at least try to help people and use my grief to help those thru theirs. One day maybe.....
Well Christmas came and went joyfully and painfully, i was with my family and new family and it was very nice. My new saying is "Mickey Christmas" and we got a 5 and a half foot Angel in out front yard and her harp says MICK! He is my own personal angel now. She glows brightly and beautifully just like he did. Not sure if I can take her down yet....
the anxiety of New Years Day was grueling. The week before, i couldn't sleep, i was nervous and sick to my stomach. I cant believe its been a year. So unreal.... Everything happening seemed to be just like the year before, i hated it, it was like dejavu. I did what i could to make it different. Ray and Brianne spent the whole weekend at our house =) we rang in 2012 together, relaxing, laughing and hurting. we all went outside at midnight and Kat banged on pans and was so excited. Rays BFF forever Luis and his gf Nikki literally showed up 30 seconds to midnight. They brought me the most beautiful roses, they still have a great fragrance in my home. We all went to bed around 1am. I woke up at 3:30 to talk to Mick as the time of his death was 3:38am and i wanted to be awake for him and be there for him since i wasn't when he was killed.
The next day the plan was to go to the beach for lunch and to toss some roses into the ocean for Mick. Chris, myself, Kat, Ray, Brianne, Cindy and Ian (Brianne's Parents) got to the beach and saw 8 dolphins swimming off the pier, we didn't have to wait for a table and the food was awesome. After lunch we went walking and ran into our friend Marcela, Chris said they were suppose to meet us for lunch but were running late and were meeting us now. Shannan and Amanda were meeting us too. So after more walking I saw Chris' cousin Laura. HUH? I thought.... Then Chris told me they had put together a small gathering for Mick. i saw some of his friends and mine. I was so shocked, i was so hard to hold back the tears!!! i swallowed them and greeted everyone. it was so sweet!! i was spinning, once again a little brighter my day was made. We all relaxed and hung out on the beach. Then at sunset we all walked to the water and tossed a white rose in for My Mick. It hurt so much, i couldn't hold back that time. Ray came and hugged me and all i said was "this is such bullshit" and he said "yep it is" we hugged and sighed. I love my Ray.... After some reflection time we decided to head home, it was getting cold and we were hungry. It was officially a year since my baby was taken from me. I made it thru the 1st year.... i miss you Mick... so unreal....
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Its been awhile.....
I havent written in awhile..... Healing is a 24/7 job. I keep hearing that it gets better, id like to know when. So many things can set off a breakdown, even a simple little lady bug that you brush off your shoulder thinking its a mosquito. Hours of tears and shaking because you think "did I just push my son away? Did he send that to me and now thinks I dont care???" This is the insanity of grief. I dont have the comfort of screwing up and then being able to call him and apologize. My heart hurts so bad at times I cant breath. The Fourth of July was so hard. Mick loved fireworks, he was a bit of a pyro, lol. Seeing the explosions in the sky I thought "wow he has the best view from up there, I bet he is so excited" His girlfriend Angel was here visiting from Abq, she is a sweetheart and it means everything to me that this young girl spent her own money just to come out to Ca to visit a family she doesnt even know.... And you know why? Because my son meant something to her.... I dont care if they were only together for a short time she loves him, I can see it in her eyes. She was Micks Angel and now he is hers. I have heard from other grieving mothers how their sons girlfriends of a year or more have moved on after a few weeks and it hurts them as it would hurt me. I want and hope Angel meets a wonderful man that will treat her with love and respect. That is my wish for her.
I try so hard everyday to make it a good day. To smile not cry when I think of him, to look at his pictures and think of how handsome and sweet he is and not picture what happened to him. My beautiful, beautiful son who was crushed and thrown around like a rag doll. I want to look into his eyes and see that gleam, that sparkle they had. Sometimes all I can do is think of how hurt he was. Those were my eyes, that was my hair and lips everything about him was mine! I made him, how could this happen. If he had to die, if this was Gods plan like i keep hearing then why couldnt it of been while he was sleeping? Why did it have to be so bad that I could never look at him again??? Why?? What did I do so wrong that I am punished to never see my sons face again? Maybe we could of had an open casket and I could of kissed him on the cheek, his beautiful cheek! I could of held his hand and touched his hair. Why did it have to be so violent? I dont understand. Why hasnt anyone said they are sorry? Do they think "oh ya I killed a guy, I guess since I didnt mean too I dont need to say sorry." YES they do! I need an "Im sorry I killed your son!" asshole! But I know as everyday comes and goes that I will never get one. Not one out of 5 people can or will say it. When I bump someone at the store or I get in the way of someone Im suppose to say Im sorry, why dont they think they have too? I just dont understand.
Some days are good and some days are bad. Some are mixed and some are just sad.
I am in constant thought of my son, when we celebrate there is always something missing, My Ray just has this look in his eyes that a piece of him is gone. I hear so often now how much him and I look alike and how the never noticed before and I think "ya I know, it cause we both lost the same piece of our heart so we are sorta twins now"
In June Ray got engaged and it was beautiful. He proposed in New York while standing on a pier. A total stranger saw him and took pictures. I know why... That was all Mick, call me crazy but I know. Dont want to believe? I dont care. What total stranger looks at a couple and says "hmmm Im gona take a picture of them" That was Mick capturing the moment forever for them, for us and for himself. It is a beautiful picture and I cherish it. I thanked the woman who took it and asked why and she just said "something told her to do it." <3
This year has been so good and such a nightmare all in one. I just had my first bday without him and Rays first bday without him. Now the holidays are ahead and I dread them. But I also need them. I need to get past all these firsts, I need to create new traditions and Mick will be a part of them, not as a memorial but as he is still with us and will be apart of it because he will be there. There will be alot of tears and a lot of laughter, a lot of old memories and new memories made. I try to think of his one year angelversary, what will I do? Id like to sleep through the day and wake up on Jan 2nd, just pretend that this day doesnt exist. It has been almost 9 months since Mick was killed, 9 months. i cant believe it.
Some days I feel so normal for a minuet and then i get a rush, like I got punched in the stomach and I remember he is gone and I will never hold him again. It hurts more than the day I was told he had died. That day I was slapped with shock and disbelief. I am not in shock anymore, everything is crystal clear and it hurts. It hurts, it makes you sick and confused and angry. I cant concentrate on things, I forget things, I am in a daze at times. I hate it. The old me is gone and I miss her....
I try so hard everyday to make it a good day. To smile not cry when I think of him, to look at his pictures and think of how handsome and sweet he is and not picture what happened to him. My beautiful, beautiful son who was crushed and thrown around like a rag doll. I want to look into his eyes and see that gleam, that sparkle they had. Sometimes all I can do is think of how hurt he was. Those were my eyes, that was my hair and lips everything about him was mine! I made him, how could this happen. If he had to die, if this was Gods plan like i keep hearing then why couldnt it of been while he was sleeping? Why did it have to be so bad that I could never look at him again??? Why?? What did I do so wrong that I am punished to never see my sons face again? Maybe we could of had an open casket and I could of kissed him on the cheek, his beautiful cheek! I could of held his hand and touched his hair. Why did it have to be so violent? I dont understand. Why hasnt anyone said they are sorry? Do they think "oh ya I killed a guy, I guess since I didnt mean too I dont need to say sorry." YES they do! I need an "Im sorry I killed your son!" asshole! But I know as everyday comes and goes that I will never get one. Not one out of 5 people can or will say it. When I bump someone at the store or I get in the way of someone Im suppose to say Im sorry, why dont they think they have too? I just dont understand.
Some days are good and some days are bad. Some are mixed and some are just sad.
I am in constant thought of my son, when we celebrate there is always something missing, My Ray just has this look in his eyes that a piece of him is gone. I hear so often now how much him and I look alike and how the never noticed before and I think "ya I know, it cause we both lost the same piece of our heart so we are sorta twins now"
In June Ray got engaged and it was beautiful. He proposed in New York while standing on a pier. A total stranger saw him and took pictures. I know why... That was all Mick, call me crazy but I know. Dont want to believe? I dont care. What total stranger looks at a couple and says "hmmm Im gona take a picture of them" That was Mick capturing the moment forever for them, for us and for himself. It is a beautiful picture and I cherish it. I thanked the woman who took it and asked why and she just said "something told her to do it." <3
This year has been so good and such a nightmare all in one. I just had my first bday without him and Rays first bday without him. Now the holidays are ahead and I dread them. But I also need them. I need to get past all these firsts, I need to create new traditions and Mick will be a part of them, not as a memorial but as he is still with us and will be apart of it because he will be there. There will be alot of tears and a lot of laughter, a lot of old memories and new memories made. I try to think of his one year angelversary, what will I do? Id like to sleep through the day and wake up on Jan 2nd, just pretend that this day doesnt exist. It has been almost 9 months since Mick was killed, 9 months. i cant believe it.
Some days I feel so normal for a minuet and then i get a rush, like I got punched in the stomach and I remember he is gone and I will never hold him again. It hurts more than the day I was told he had died. That day I was slapped with shock and disbelief. I am not in shock anymore, everything is crystal clear and it hurts. It hurts, it makes you sick and confused and angry. I cant concentrate on things, I forget things, I am in a daze at times. I hate it. The old me is gone and I miss her....
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
First's
February 1st came quickly, a month had gone by since my Mick was taken from me. It was such a hard day. Everything is so different now, I have a year of "firsts" ahead of me. So many tell me how "strong" I am, how I am handling this so well. Im really not. I miss my son and I miss my boys being together. That was so important to me, my boys being together. I look at Micks Urn and I struggle with the fact that he is in there. Its so unreal and un natural. I breakdown many times everyday and have angry moments. I want to talk about my Mick and hear him talked about. One of the biggest fears a grieving mother has is that her child will be forgotten. I will not allow Mick to be forgotten. I will do everything in my power to make sure that never happens. Valentines was a hard day, I love my husband and wanted us to have a good day together which we did. I gave Katrina, Ray, Brianne and Shannan a gift and I got Mick fresh roses and a balloon. The day went well. Before we knew it February was over and March 1st was here. The 1st of the month is so hard, I dread it. I am a wreck the day before and he day after. We went to Chris' company party on the 27th. It was the first "party" we had been to since his death. It was fun, we danced and drank a little to much. I should say I did anyways. But it felt good to let loose a little. But the next morning i got the worst rush of guilt and pain. How could I of had fun? My Mick was gone and Im partying? It was horrible. I was so depressed and hurt. I regretted going at all. Chris helped me get through that pain and move forward. I didnt want to go out much after that though. I like the comfort of home or being close to home.
March was especially hard because I knew his birthday was in 20 days. His big 20th birthday that he so looked forward too. I wanted to make it a special day for Ray and Katrina. A day of celebrating him and remembering him. We were planning on going to the beach again and having lunch. It rained from the moment we woke up that day. But that wasnt how Mick birthday officially started. We were up at midnight, i was waiting so I could light his birthday candle. At the stroke of midnight (no joke) we heard a huge crash outside our house. The guy who lived at the end of our street was having a party and decided to take a spin on his dirt bike. He was drunk. He sped down our block at a high rate of speed and crashed into Micks truck! Chris had been standing outside at the time and saw the whole thing. He went head first into the side of Micks truck. We all ran out and I kept thinking, "really? this is really happening?" My husband told me to stay on the porch and he and my mother in law ran to see what happened. The guy skid about 75 feet and was very injured and trying to get up. His bike was under Micks truck and the party was running up the street at us. It was a nightmare. We called an ambulance and tried to keep the chaos down to a minimum. Our neighbors came out to help and after everything died down and the guy was on his way to the hospital we went back inside. I was drained emotionally and couldnt believe this was the beginning of Micks birthday. The guy is alive and is in rehab. He was very lucky. I kept thinking that night "why?, why?" It was not how I wanted my sons birthday to start. We went to bed and woke up to the rain outside and knew we werent going to the beach. We stayed home and Micks friends Luis and Lacy came over. We watched movies, remembered Mick and had pizza. Chris and I went to the store to get a cake for Mick, we walked in the bakery and the first cake we saw was a lady bug cake!!! I was so happy, I knew it was my Mick letting me know he was with us. We sang Happy Birthday to Mick and I let Katrina blow out the candles. I gave everyone a little turtle as a gift. Mick loved turtles. I gave Ray a cool necklace and had "Ray and Mick" engraved on the front and "Best friends and Brothers forever" on the back. Ray really liked it. I was so happy! The rest of the night was quiet and relaxing. I made it through the day...
April 1st came and was again a sad day for me. I hate the 1st of the month. I was going to be going to Albuquerque in a few weeks for a friends birthday. I was so anxious and scared. i dont want to be there and I didnt want to leave my family. I needed to go, it was an important birthday for an important person. Plus I had to fly. I hate to fly especially alone. I got to the airport and my flight was delayed of course. The anxiety was setting in. Once on the plane I was ok, a little anxious but ok. I wasnt as afraid as I thought I would be. I arrived and hoped the weekend would go quickly. It didnt. It was a nightmare being back where he was killed. It was great to see friends, but I wanted to go home. While at my parents house I stayed in the guest room. Every night I would sleep with tv on and every morning i awoke to it being turned off. I asked my dad if he was turning it off and he said no. There was no program on it for a scheduled shut down either. This was a tv that u had to manually turn off by hand. Very old school. I still dont know who was turning it off. Could of been my grandma Charlie who passed away in that room or Mick. Or I dont know. All i know is every morning it was off. Still puzzles me!
Finally it was time to go home. I got to the airport and wasnt scared to fly home, I was excited. i couldnt wait to see Chris, Ray, Katrina and Brianne. Ray was picking me up from the airport too! And for the first time ever flying I watch the plane take off, I looked out the window and watched the clouds and watched as we landed and never was scared. I thought to myself, I am not afraid of dieing because If I was to die on this plane I will see Mick again and if I survived I get to be back home with those I love.
Everyday is a struggle, everyday is sad, everyday comes with dark thoughts and feelings. But everyday I feel the love from my family and friends and everyday I feel Mick around me. Everyday I keep going and wishing I could change things but knowing that I cant.
March was especially hard because I knew his birthday was in 20 days. His big 20th birthday that he so looked forward too. I wanted to make it a special day for Ray and Katrina. A day of celebrating him and remembering him. We were planning on going to the beach again and having lunch. It rained from the moment we woke up that day. But that wasnt how Mick birthday officially started. We were up at midnight, i was waiting so I could light his birthday candle. At the stroke of midnight (no joke) we heard a huge crash outside our house. The guy who lived at the end of our street was having a party and decided to take a spin on his dirt bike. He was drunk. He sped down our block at a high rate of speed and crashed into Micks truck! Chris had been standing outside at the time and saw the whole thing. He went head first into the side of Micks truck. We all ran out and I kept thinking, "really? this is really happening?" My husband told me to stay on the porch and he and my mother in law ran to see what happened. The guy skid about 75 feet and was very injured and trying to get up. His bike was under Micks truck and the party was running up the street at us. It was a nightmare. We called an ambulance and tried to keep the chaos down to a minimum. Our neighbors came out to help and after everything died down and the guy was on his way to the hospital we went back inside. I was drained emotionally and couldnt believe this was the beginning of Micks birthday. The guy is alive and is in rehab. He was very lucky. I kept thinking that night "why?, why?" It was not how I wanted my sons birthday to start. We went to bed and woke up to the rain outside and knew we werent going to the beach. We stayed home and Micks friends Luis and Lacy came over. We watched movies, remembered Mick and had pizza. Chris and I went to the store to get a cake for Mick, we walked in the bakery and the first cake we saw was a lady bug cake!!! I was so happy, I knew it was my Mick letting me know he was with us. We sang Happy Birthday to Mick and I let Katrina blow out the candles. I gave everyone a little turtle as a gift. Mick loved turtles. I gave Ray a cool necklace and had "Ray and Mick" engraved on the front and "Best friends and Brothers forever" on the back. Ray really liked it. I was so happy! The rest of the night was quiet and relaxing. I made it through the day...
April 1st came and was again a sad day for me. I hate the 1st of the month. I was going to be going to Albuquerque in a few weeks for a friends birthday. I was so anxious and scared. i dont want to be there and I didnt want to leave my family. I needed to go, it was an important birthday for an important person. Plus I had to fly. I hate to fly especially alone. I got to the airport and my flight was delayed of course. The anxiety was setting in. Once on the plane I was ok, a little anxious but ok. I wasnt as afraid as I thought I would be. I arrived and hoped the weekend would go quickly. It didnt. It was a nightmare being back where he was killed. It was great to see friends, but I wanted to go home. While at my parents house I stayed in the guest room. Every night I would sleep with tv on and every morning i awoke to it being turned off. I asked my dad if he was turning it off and he said no. There was no program on it for a scheduled shut down either. This was a tv that u had to manually turn off by hand. Very old school. I still dont know who was turning it off. Could of been my grandma Charlie who passed away in that room or Mick. Or I dont know. All i know is every morning it was off. Still puzzles me!
Finally it was time to go home. I got to the airport and wasnt scared to fly home, I was excited. i couldnt wait to see Chris, Ray, Katrina and Brianne. Ray was picking me up from the airport too! And for the first time ever flying I watch the plane take off, I looked out the window and watched the clouds and watched as we landed and never was scared. I thought to myself, I am not afraid of dieing because If I was to die on this plane I will see Mick again and if I survived I get to be back home with those I love.
Everyday is a struggle, everyday is sad, everyday comes with dark thoughts and feelings. But everyday I feel the love from my family and friends and everyday I feel Mick around me. Everyday I keep going and wishing I could change things but knowing that I cant.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Mick's Life Celebration
On Jan 22nd we had Micks Life Celebration at the beach. It was a beautiful day, we camped there at the beach and got up at 6am that morning. Katrina, Chris and I walked down to watch the sun come up. It was so beautiful, so peaceful. Katrina ran in circles and was so excited to be there. We needed to walk over to our spot to set up for Micks day. I really felt like we were setting up for his birthday party. We found a great spot, no one around and a perfect view of the ocean. I have always loved the ocean and had many nice days at the ocean with my boys in California and Florida. I feel so at peace there, so relaxing. I began to set up, our friends Vivian and Ron camped with us and were helping to set up. We put up a nice table and put Mick and all his pictures around and lots of fresh flowers and his artwork and art work his friend made him. I made a few cd's with songs that he liked and some that made me think of him. Katrina played in the sand and flew a kite. We had bloody mary's and tried to relax while we waited for the celebration to begin. Mick's girlfriend Angel, his cousin Gilbert and step brother Shea came out from Albuquerque. I was excited to meet Angel, she meant allot to Mick. As people began to arrive, i began to see how loved my Mick was. So many came! Its funny in these times. People you think will come dont and those you didnt expect in a million years do. So many friends Mick had and all were so devastated, so devastated..... I felt so bad seeing these hard looking young men with tears in their eyes. Telling me how my son inspired them, made them laugh and now made them cry. Pretty young girls, crying and laughing at his baby pictures. For a long time that day I stayed in the back watching, seeing who was there and how they were reacting. I couldnt believe how many of his friends came... People think that the younger generation has no feeling, that they dont care. They do, they loved my son!! I asked for his friends to bring a guitar and they did, one brought his bongo drums. It was so neat. Mick would of loved this... I passes out little blocks of wood to everyone and a marker. The idea was to write a message to Mick and then at sunset we would toss them into the bonfire so all the messages could be sent to him. Mick friend Beverly had asked me to let her sing a song for Mick, I was so thrilled! She said he would always tell her to sing so now she was going to just for him. Before her song i wrote a letter to read to everyone I would like for you all to hear it too.
For those of you that don’t know me I am Mick’s mom Sabrina. On behalf of Mick, myself, my husband Chris and our son Ray and daughter Katrina we thank you so much for coming today. It means so much to us to see how loved our Mick was by all of you.
I wanted to tell you a little about my life with Mick. He was a beautiful and easy going baby. Never fussed much and always was smiling. His legal name is Anthony Michael but while I was pregnant with him his brother Ray kept saying I had Mickey Mouse in my belly. So 5 minuets after Mick was born and I held him for the first time I looked at him and said we will call him Mick. So in a way his brother named him. Ray and Mick were inseparable, best friends from the beginning. They did nothing without each other and everyone knew if you invite one to do something his brother was coming too. They loved each other very much. If they fought I would ground them until they hugged and said I love you. They would be so mad at each other and then be cracking up laughing 5 seconds later. Ray, Mick and I were a great team and it was just the three of us for many, many years. My boys were my best friends and whatever they liked I liked, from Teenage Ninja Turtles and Power Rangers to WWF Wrestling. We would go camping, drive in movies or just a walk to the park. Then when they were about 12 and 13 I met my wonderful husband Chris. He changed our lives forever and we very easily became a family. Then with the addition of Katrina we were complete. We don’t call each other step dad, mom or step brother or sister. Our love as a family was strong and we see each other as the real thing.
Something you might not know is that when Mick was about 5 years old he wanted to be a priest. He really liked his catechism classes and thought it would be neat to be one. Then he found out you can’t date or get married, so he said ok I will be a cop then. He told me once that he could never find a girl like me so he could he just marry me? That made me so happy, I will never forget that conversation. I told him he would find love one day and she will be amazing. He then told me that he would have 5 daughters so that I could take care of them. When he was about 10 he use to say that he would be rich one day and would buy a big house for me, his wife and 5 daughters. He then would joke that Ray could live in a box in the front yard. Mick slept with me until he was 14. Even if he had friends sleeping over he still ended up in my bed. He didn’t care, he loved his mom and that’s all that mattered. After I married Chris we would wake up sometimes and find Mick on the floor next to our bed. It was very cute.
Mick had a beautiful giggle, amazing smile, unique personality and was one heck of a dancer. He performed in many musicals, including Chicago
Mick cared a lot about the people around him. He acted tough, but he worried about people. Many times he would come to me with a problem one of his friends had asking me what to do. How to help a girl who was pregnant and didn’t know how to tell her parents. A friend who expressed thoughts of suicide and needed help. He was a caring, sweet young man that carried the weight of the world on his shoulders. He always worried about me too. If I didn’t answer my phone or came home late with out calling he would be so mad and waiting by the door. I joked once and pretended to smoke a cigarette, Mick saw me and wouldn’t talk to me for 2 hours! I then was lectured on how it wasn’t funny to him.
One of the last conversations I had with Mick was about his birthday in March. He would be 20 on the 20th. He told me he wanted to have a big party and have all his family together. I agreed and said if that’s what you want then we will do it! He was very excited. On January 8th he had his whole family together in Albuquerque and now we have all his friends together here in California
My Mick was such a beautiful person inside and out. He melted my heart with every smile and his voice was music to my ears and all the songs chosen to be played today have a special meaning or memory of our Mick. I don’t know how life will be without him but I know he is all around me and always will be.
I read my letter to everyone and loved hearing the giggles. After I finished Beverly and a friend came up by Mick and sang "The Reason" from Hoobastank. That was my song to my boys. When i divorced their dad it hurt them so much but I did it for them, to give them a better life and see who i really was and who I wanted them to be. It was so beautiful that she picked that song. I was so happy that she did this for Mick. It was beautiful.
During her song a lady bug landed on my nephew Gilberts cheek, so Ray got it and brought it to Chris and then to Katrina and finally to me. I tried to give it back to Katrina but the lady bug would not leave me. She kept coming back to me. It was amazing, she sat on me for about 40mins before I put her on Mick flowers. I didnt want her to get hurt. I feel that Mick was the lady bug, he was with us and was comforting me, helping me through the evening. Keeping me strong. Ladybugs represent my love for Mick. When I see a ladybug, I know my Mick is around.
After Beverly sang I asked everyone to please toss their block in the fire and think of Mick. I asked for everyone to meet someone they dont know and talk about Mick, share stories with each other. It was a beautiful sunset that night all for my Mick. I began to walk around and pass out the skateboards that were made for his celebration. Mick and Rays friends came over a few nights beofore the celebration and made 300 mini boards. Each board had a saying he would say or Micks name on it. It was a perfect gift to remember him by. I cant say enough how wonderful Micks friends are. They are amazing. When I walked around and talked to his friends they were so sad and caring towards me. Ill never forget these 2 girls who showed up late and I walked up to say hi and give them a board. I said Hi Im Mick mom and they both gasped and burst into tears. They were so upset and gave me the biggest hugs. They couldnt even talk to me. I told them to smile and remember him and not to be so sad. They agreed and walked away. One boy came up to me and said Mick was a big inspiration to him, that every time he got down on himself Mick would cheer him up. He hugged me and told me how awesome my sons were and that Mick is greatly missed and they would watch over Ray. Another friend of his was crying so hard he was shaking, this guy looked so hard but was so soft. He told me he loved Mick and that Micks death made him realize he wasnt indestructible and that he needed to shape his life up. I said good, thats what I want to hear. The rest of the night was peaceful, i am still to this day shocked at the turnout and the love, so much love for Mick. So much love for Ray.... I listened to his friends play guitars and drums and sing. It was beautiful. I am so grateful to everyone that made it that night. I know Mick was with us and was smiling. We camped that night too, Chris and I were so tired and we went to bed around midnight. I had not dreamed of Mick once since he died. I woke up at 3:38 that morning (this is the time I think Mick passed away at) I seem to awake at that time allot. I went right back to sleep and was missing him so much. I was visited by Mick that morning. I had a dream that we were having a party for Mick and that we rented a big hall for the party. When we got there Chris, Ray, Kat and I we walked in and the whole place was set up with couches! We were told to sit at the front on a couch that only fit the four of us, I said "where is Mick suppose to sit, its his party!!!!" I was very upset and then Mick tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around and he was smiling at me and was so calm and peaceful and he said "its ok mom, Im ok mom, dont worry, ok? Im ok, dont worry about me" and then i woke up. It was so real, he was so real!!! He was beautiful and so calm. He looked at me with his soft eyes and I felt he was worried about me. I have not dreamed of him since and I so badly want to!!!
The next morning we woke up and went to the ocean one more time and then headed home. Ron and Vivian came over to help clean the camper and Vivian found a lady bug in the camper. I was so happy and that really kicked in my lady bug obsession! So many lady bugs all around me, real and not real. I know its my baby boy saying hello. I miss you Mick
Monday, May 2, 2011
Going back to work
Time to go back to work. My son died but life is still happening. No one told the world to stop so that I could heal. Being at home was getting me no where. i am a person who needs normalcy, I need to be somewhat organized. i knew the longer i stayed out, the more hiding in my home would become my normalcy. I could of stayed out longer, I could have hid in my house and not gone on. No I couldnt! That wouldnt be good for me or my family. I am a recrutier for a national company. I have to represent my company and seek out and interview candidates to hire into managment positions. In other words I have to be peppy, smile and look my best and pay attension. Hmmmmmm how the heck do i do that when my heart is broken and I have been crying for 2 weeks straight? My boss asked me if i wanted her to let my co workers know what happened. I said yes, i didnt want to come back and be asked how my vacation was or where have i been. I told her if they know before I come back they can think about how they will approach me or how they will avoid me. Its true because some have avoided me to this day. But thats ok i get it, its hard and uncomfortable. But on the other hand I have made new friends, people who I never spoke to before gave me condolences and i learned of pain they have endoured and now we are friends. I also have wanted to punch peoples lights out for being ridiculous. I actually was told my second day back " I know how you feel, I recently lost my dog and it is so painful" WTF! Are you seriously comparing the loss of my son to the loss of your DOG? I didnt say a word, I smiled and walked away. Closed my office door and laughed and cried and laughed again as to what an imbisol that person is! I had to avoid this person for a long time because everytime i saw them they wanted to talk about their dead dog. She has stopped and i can speak to her now but i am careful when i do. Working was very hard, during interviews I would day dream of my son and not listen to what they were saying. I was forgetting things and was so unorganized. I cried constanltly, thank goodness i can shut my office door. i have a picture of my sons on my desk and I stare at it and cry and then I take a breath and keep going. I became obbsessed with books on the afterlife and comunication with the afterlife. Anything i could read that let me know my son was ok and was around i read. But i only read half of it. If I didnt feel instant relief I went on to another one. i was like a drug addict need a stronger drug everytime except it was books and websites not drugs. I did find comfort with The Facebook page The Compationate Friends. I have made many new friends with grieving mothers like myself and its a sad club that we belong to but it helps. I had another visit from Mick at work, this one of many really knocked me out of my chair (literally) I went to a ADC site and was going to read about people who have had signs from their loved ones. The first story I went to was dated 1/1/11 (the day Mick was killed) I opened it to read. (First I should let you know that one of my biggest fears since Mick was killed was if he felt anything, did he suffer? Did he know what was happening. I was so afraid that he suffered and was in pain. It was so hard to think about him suffering.) Well the first story I looked at was from a woman who lost her husband in a car accident. Her husbands name was "Mick"... (That is what made me fall out of my chair!) Then she said she had been so worried that her husband suffered in his accident. She worried of this like I did about my Mick. Her husband came to her in a dream and told her he felt about half a second of pain and then he felt a calmness come over him, he told her he was ok and not to worry. He answered the question i wanted answered by Mick, his name was Mick and she wrote this on the day Mick died. That was enough for me, I knew Mick was tellling me what i wanted to know. i know he was. i was so happy and relieved. It was short lived but boy it felt great! It was some relief for me i can say that. I have had many visits from Mick at work. Another was while I was on lunch I was making a song list for his life celebration. I kept hearing the song Tears from heaven by Eric Clapton. I heard that song almost everyday since Mick died. If I turned on the radio it came on, My good friend Vivian quoted the song on her fb after Mick died. This song was all over me. I did put it on the list. But I thought, I wonder what the #1 song was the day Mick was born... I know what your thinking and your wrong the #1 song was Someday by Mariah Carey. But before I found that out i googled "#1 song on March 20 1991" Well what came up made me have a break down and cry. On March 20 1991 Eric Claptons 4 year old son was killed, he fell out of a window. I never knew this happened on the day Mick was born. Eric Clapton wrote Tears in Heaven for his son that was killed on the day my son was born. No I dont think my son was his son reincarnated, but i do believe Micks dieing gave me a connection to that song. Things tie togeather and I believe Mick has to find ways of letting me know he is here with me. That song is one of them. Being back at work helped me alott and hurts me to this day. If i have to look up anything prior to 1/1/11 i break down. If i see an email I wrote before 1/1/11 i break down. It is part of my New Normal right now. I dont look at anything prior to that date, I cant because all i think is my son was still alive when I got this or when I wrote this. Its horrible. But i work and I have good days and bad days and I just do what i have too.
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